No, I'm not really sad.. yet.

I'm torn between lives. I'm torn between right and wrong. I'm torn between a stupid line that's blurry and probably doesn't even REALLY exist.

I can't read my heart, and my mind is doing a shitty job.

I'm scared, I'm nervous, and I'm dumb.

Love is so stupid. I hate it. It's so much work and one thing leads to another and in five seconds it's gone. I'm so good at pretending things didn't happen. I'm so good at pretending like things don't hurt, or don't matter.

I have this feeling that Scott thinks I'm just a cold, heartless person. Maybe I am.

Maybe I am.

I don't know what to do. It's so hard to decide. It's so hard to love. It's so hard to embrace things.

I'm a married woman. I'm a mother.

I don't understand how it is possible to have other romance and balance it in a healthy way with my other life.

The two can't mix. The two just can't.

You become an object the moment he becomes involved. That's all you are when he's involved. It's just what happens. He directs. He watches. It becomes for him, and not for me. I don't enjoy it.

I don't enjoy it at all.

I don't enjoy him.

I don't enjoy sex. Period. With anybody. I don't even really enjoy it with myself. It's just a quick nut out of boredom.

I love you, but I don't know if I can. I don't know how this works or how it will work. It's so simple to say that love is blind, and that all else doesn't matter. It's simple to say that you don't have to just love ONE person. It's simple to say that you can love your husband, and someone else, too.

Then you throw a baby in the mix.

Then you actually do it.

And it doesn't work.

It's a balancing act that I don't know how to do. I'm not trained for this type of shit.

I've never properly loved, and now this. There is so much.

SO much.

Bills, moving, you, me, him, Walter, life, cooking, cleaning, my mom..

SO much.

I feel like I'm dying and throwing sex and more love into the mix makes it all the more messy.

I'm scared, and I'm confused. I don't know how to do this.

I just want to be alone with you. I just want to sit there, even if just in the parking lot of your complex in the warmth of the car.. in silence.

That's all I want.

But I just don't know how.

Basically I lied..

I really am just.. sad.

(Just tell me how to fucking do it..)

1 comment:

  1. I think, you should embrace the little bit of time we have left together before you move. Forget everything else for a moment, & just be with me. That's what I want. I love just sitting there in the car with you. I love just laying with you, and talking. I love being able to ask you what's wrong & you'll actually tell me.

    Just love it & take advantage of my presence while you still can. I want you to.