Picture Post!

Needles part two

No.. I didn't get my tongue pierced..


I did go back to Precious Slut and I did get my free re-lip piercing. I opted for the other side since the damaged side is still... well... damaged.

They put a ring in instead of a stud. It's kind of big.. and gaudy, but.. It's all good.

I'm really happy with it. I'm happy with my piercings and my hair. I think I'll keep up this brilliant habit.

In the mean time, I need to start searching for a 12 step program located in the area I will be moving to next week.

I have a problem. I need help.

Any suggestions or resources?



When I was 17.. and I was a stoner.. my friend shoved a sharpee up my nose and jabbed a hot safety pin through it. That's how I got my nose pierced.

Well... I wanted a matching piercing on the other side.. so... in honor of my birthday.. I took my son to a tattoo parlor to watch his mother get her nose jabbed... again.

Anthony held him (hey, what else am I supposed to do with no babysitter? Haha) and I got the other side of my nose pierced.

God it is so amazing. The pain, the JESUS CHRIST that comes out of my mouth every time I get something pierced.

The everything. I love it. I LOVE IT.

I REALLY want to go get my tongue redone.

Like... right now.

I basically orgasmed on the spot the first time.


Happy Birthday to...


Anybody know where a girl can get a decent birthday spanking?


B is for Bitch.

Here’s how it works… You leave a comment (asking for a letter) on this post, and I’ll assign you a letter. You write about ten things you love that begin with your assigned letter, and post it at your place. When people comment on your list, you give them a letter, and the chain continues on and on. Barbie did the letter P....and I have been asked to do the letter B.

10 things I love about "B"
1. Britney! Yes! I am a die hard fan of Ms. Spears! There is nothing I love more than a crazy slut singing about nothing more than sex in all kinds of different ways! I love her! Always have.. always will.

2. Beating? LOL. It's not for 'S' so I had to think of another word. I love getting my buns beat! Haha. 'nuff said.

3. Barfing while Intoxicated. It always makes you feel muuuucchhh better. ;-)

4. Brunch. Because I'm never awake early enough to actually consider the deliciousness that I make 'breakfast'.

5. Barbie! Haha. I love her and her blog!

6. Big butts. What can I say..'I like big butts and I cannot lie'. I'm an ass man aaaaalllll the way.

7. Blogging! It keeps me sane, and happy. I enjoy it very much so.

8. Birthing Classes! Even though they didn't help me with shit! Haha. I STILL punched myself in the face ;-)

9.Bitches with Balls. I have been told many MANY times, that I have balls of steel. I think bitches with balls are amazing.

10. Bruises. For some reason, I am very much into bruises. I love seeing a bruise on my body, especially on my ass. ;-)


Still don't give a fuck;

So.. I'm going to take a moment to complain about life and all of the horribly tragic things that are happening around me, but not necessarily to me.

First things first. Those of you who know things about me know that my Grandpa died in November. He had virtually nothing, yet my aunt and uncle feel the need to fight venomously over the nothing that he had with my mother. Oh yes, drama drama drama. My uncle has called as many as six times in one night and left six nasty messages. He's told my mom he's coming with two barrels loaded, that whatever it was she did was another nail in her coffin, and all kinds of other nasty things. My aunt has accused my mom of everything you can imagine, and called her all of the nastiest things you could imagine.

Just a little background: My mom has been living with my grandparents since my Grandmother got sick with cancer. She made enough to live on her own, it wasn't that she needed to live with them. She wanted to be here for them to help take care of Grandma when she became immobile. She took them to doctor appointments, fed them their meals, and did everything else you could imagine an elderly person needs.

Then Grandma died in January of 07. She was Grandpa's heart and soul. They met when they were young, got married, had seven kids, buried kids together, and just lived a lifetime full of life together. They were married about 55 years.

Like I said, she was Grandpa's heart and soul. He was just waiting from that day forward to kick the bucket. He had a little calendar taped to his desk where he highlighted the day of her death, and crossed off every day after that.

He literally sat in his room and would have wallowed in his own filth and shit and starved himself to death had it not been for my mom and her husband. They took care of him, took him to the doctor, fed him, took him out to gamble when he wanted (it was the only thing he enjoyed).

No one else helped. No one came to see him. Everyone hated him.

Then he died, and now they're mad because he left most everything to my mom.

So... we have to take the license plate off of the car every night because they have threatened to come take it. We lock the house up completely when we leave. We don't answer the phone because there is no caller I.D.

We do everything in our power to keep everything we have here, safe.. including ourselves.


My cousin.. he married this crazy broad about 8 years ago. I didn't know she was crazy, I was 11. When I was 13, her and I became close friends. She was 21 and I was 13. BFF!

Anyways... She has since then become addicted to popping pills ("It's not drugs because it's pills! And doctors prescribe them to people!"), and has been cheating on her husband (my cousin) for the past four or five months. My bad!

He went over there about two days ago with his mom, his sister, and two dudes to take the kids from the house. (Yes, there are two children involved! One is his blood child, the other is HER blood child that he adopted! And he has autism.) He rescued them from her craziness, and after they left she beat the living shit out of herself and called the cops.. claiming she had been beaten to a bloody pulp and her children were kidnapped.

He has been talking to me ever since. I feel like he's leaning on me or something. I stopped talking to her in that goody goody friendly way when she became one of those housewives.

She's a self absorbed, unappreciative, crazy person. She's a bitch. Let's just leave it at that, and I'm really glad he got the kids out of that situation. They were being seriously neglected. They pretty much never saw the light of day.


My step brother moved in not too long ago. I like him a lot. He's nice, has a good heart, and him and I have great conversations. We like the same kinds of movies, and living with him hasn't been anywhere near uncomfortable.

Until last night...

He moved his girlfriend in (cunt), and their two kids. The older one (1 1/2) likes to use my sweet little Walter as a punching bag, the other one has his belly button so herniated (from crying so much) that it looks like another penis.

I hate her. I hate her. I HATE her. I have almost never hated someone this much. She is a lazy, immature, piece of shit, disgusting person. She lives off of the system (welfare) and is bringing him down. Her little four month old baby SCREAMS sometimes, and I'll hold him on my lap on his tummy and pat his little back and she tells me 'Oh don't do that, you'll spoil him.'

She stopped nursing the first kid because he was getting 'too attached' to her.

WTF kind of views are these? When they cry, ignore them because you'll spoil them.

SORRY BITCH, but if you have a problem with me 'spoiling' my 11 month old baby with LOVE, then go eat a fat dick. They are ONLY little ONCE!

Ahhh. I hate her, and she thinks we're friends. She bugs me for EVERYTHING. She's SO dumb.


It's okay... I lock her ass out every night. I'm pretty sure she'll get the hint when she wants to ask me where the sink is and the door is locked and I ignore her irritating knocks at the door.

Anyone know how to make a bomb?

Oh yeah, and on top of all of this shit I don't care about.. I'm SICK. Head pounding, 80 year old man cough, and sore throat.

Just another thing to add the list of fucks.

Anyone want to spank the negativity out of me?


Prayers and thoughts;

J is in the hospital. =(

I went and saw her yesterday, and today. She's admitted and I guess she will be for a while.

J is my best friend. She's amazing and wonderful even when she doesn't all the way know it. I'd do most anything with and for her, and it hurts my heart to see her hurting and being stuck in a hospital room.

I know she's not in much pain because they're keeping her pretty drugged, but it's still just.. so shitty. I feel so bad for her and I wish I could just be there with her every second of the day.

Those who are reading this, if you could, keep her in your prayers and thoughts. She has been having recurring pancreatitis, and they can't figure out why. She doesn't fit any of the reasons and it's a big mystery to everyone.

So please, keep her in your thoughts and prayers. I would greatly appreciate it.


I had to go to the place where I got my lip pierced and get it taken out. The skin inside my lip grew completely over the back of the ring. He had to stab and poke and prod and push and pull to get it out. There was a lot of blood, and it was really painful.

I think I'll go get it redone when it heals.

Hey... it's free.




I have a minivan! It's waiting for me in my new hometown!

I have a house, too! Yay for that! Haha.

Scott and I are ok. I ignored him for a little over a day and then we talked-ish. I don't like talking about things that piss me off, especially with him.

If I'm pissed for a day or two and then I get over it, it means I'm over it.. and I don't want to talk about it to bring it back up.

Besides, with him.. there's no talking. The more I talk the less he listens and goes back to that manipulating thing.

He's really guarded and scared and I know that. Even though we are married and we love each other... I still think sometimes he is too afraid to just be real and raw. I don't think he manipulates me to necessarily get what he wants, I think he is just too afraid to open up.. especially at a time when I'm mad and he's vulnerable.

I don't know.


I had a true Vegas experience with J. We went to the top of the world (top of the Stratosphere) and gazed at the world together. Then we ate at their fancy revolving restaurant and gazed at the world some more. We didn't have reservations, but surprisingly they accepted our walk-in. (I guess we looked amazing enough or something.)

They gave us craw dad's and called it something fancy, like linguine or some shit. They gave us the WHOLE thing just for a piece of meat the size of a quarter. I hate sea food, but I opted to try it. J, on the other hand, decided not to.. I almost had her convinced to, but when I grabbed her 'craw dad' (with my napkin, I didn't want to touch it. It was staring at me.) and tried to bring it to my plate to scrape the meat out for her.. it kind of flew out of my hand and landed, loudly, on the table.

All it's juices and everything were all over the nice table cloth. And there it was... still staring at us.

Luckily there wasn't anybody TOO close to us, but whoever was in ear shot definitely heard me laugh until.. well.. I snorted. Loudly.

Hahah. It was great.

We had the three course meal for two, and it was the most expensive meal I've ever eaten in my life. OH MY GOD, it was totally worth it.

I recommend it to EVERYONE.

Well.. then as we were walking back down.. we stopped at the oxygen bar to try that. We ARE locals and have NEVER experienced this. It was strange... really strange. But it was interesting, and I'm glad I tried it.

After that we went to a hookah lounge and met up with J's friend. We smoked hookah until we were over it, and then attempted to catch a movie. No such luck, as they lie when they say this is a 24 hour city. I dropped her friend off at his car and her and I headed on our merry way.

We finished our night off at Ihop. Our taste had been corrupted by the fanciness of the other meal, and being spoiled by having our chair pulled out for us and our napkins placed ever so gently on our laps.

Then we go to Ihop and the waiter comes over every five seconds to say 'how are you guys doing?' LITERALLY, every five seconds.

I realized after a while that it was PROBABLY because I had cleavage for miles, and he was just being a pervert. After I covered my chest, he never came back. Haha.

Anyways.. I took her home, went home myself, and called it a night. It was amazing.

Hey.. guess what?

I turn 20 in FIVE days.


Dirty Laundry;

I kind of don't like to put all my personal, marital, shit out there.. if you hadn't noticed. Sex, some spanking content, and other mild things.. and MY personal struggles and thoughts.. but as far as venting to the world about how pissed I am at Scott.. well, that just is something I try to avoid. He is my HOH, and he's doing a great job at it.. however, I can't help but feel like I am married to a child.

Just to be fair, I'm pretty much a child. I'm not even 20 yet (although I will be in 7 days). He's going to be 30 in the beginning of February. I constantly feel like I am the one pushing this boat.

It's okay most of the time, but when he starts shooting remarks with an accusatory tone, it kind of gets to me. I brush it off. Then I try talking. Then I try ranting in an angry, but not quite yelling, tone. Then.. well, that's where I am now.

I was watching a movie with my step brother. It's sort of become a semi ritual at this point. I put the baby to bed, my mom and his dad go to bed, and we are both awake. What? Am I supposed to sit there and watch him play his X-Box?

Neither of us care TOO much for T.V. with commercials...

So..? We watch a movie.

I told Scott we were going to watch a movie. Now, I can be on his side with the fact that I told him I was going to watch said movie a short while after 9 o'clock, but didn't really start it until about 9:40. I had a perfectly good explanation:

I have a baby! And he decided that it was NOT bedtime yet... so, we waited!

THEN we watched the movie. Scott called around 10 and I told him I'd call him when the movie was over. He gave me a ton of shit about it, but whatever..

I called him at about 11:20 and he started flipping his lid about four hour movies and yadda yadda ya.

I sat there and listened. I tried to explain. But he just kept talking to me as if I was cheating on him with my STEP-BROTHER.

No. No. No. No. No. NO!

Girls, what do you DO when your 'HOH' acts this way? I've tried reasoning with him.. I've tried talking to him. I do understand why he acts this way.. he is far away. BUT... I've NEVER given him reason to believe I was cheating on him. I've NEVER given him a reason (in this manner, at least) to not trust me!

So... what do I do?!


I love him to DEATH. But he is really getting on my last nerve. HOH or not, I am ONLY human.

And I can ONLY take so much.

So.. what did I do?

I hung up on him. I have had enough trying to talk, reason, yell, and make my point. All he ever says is 'sorry I'm such a piece of shit husband, I'll do better.. I promise.'

I NEVER say he is a piece of shit. I NEVER down talk him. I am ALWAYS respectful, even when my tone is a bit snooty. I NEVER say rude things to him or even INSINUATE that he is a bad husband.. so where he comes up with this shit? I have no clue.

I don't know what to do.

So.. I hung up on him. He has been calling me every minute for the past -almost- hour. He's left me ten voice mails. The last one I listened to he was crying.

So.. what do I do?

I'm going to hold my ground. I have to be strong. He is not going to go away for a whole year and freak out about me cheating on him. If he is going to act this way over NOTHING, then I almost have half a mind to give him something to worry about!

I'm just sick of it.

What do you do, have you done, or would you do in a similar situation to this?



So much drama in blog land! I first read a little something somewhere random and brushed it off, as it was vague and I didn't know what it was.

A.S.S. Just put it AAALLLL out there and I now know what the buzz is about.

WOW! Is ALL I have to say!

I guess I knew something like that could happen.. I made up lies on the Internet and pretended to be things I wasn't when I was like.. 12. So.. I know it happens. I've know people that have done it... when I was like, 12.


I'm real. Just for the record. I'm really a girl, with a son, and a husband in the army. I'm really young, AND into spanking. I really DO get spanked. I really HAVE had a disciplinarian (two, for the record).

I don't make anything up, at all. I'm very honest and real. Sometimes people think I'm lying but that is exactly why I DON'T lie. I have no reason to. My life is very interesting and has always been very, VERY, interesting.. and I guess.. out of the box. I've always had some sort of movie type thing going on where it just seems unbelievable.

Well.. BELIEVE it folks. I'm real.

I promise.

Scouts honor.


Catch a shitting star;

I feel really good today.. like I'm totally up on my game. Me against the world and I'm winning.

So many shitty things are happening around me and I have so many things to be sad and pissed off about, but I'm just not. I care, but I don't. I feel like any bad things that come my way I can easily fight off. I know somewhere deep down inside of me that they will only last a short while.

No matter what, there will be a light at the end of the tunnel.

I'm lacking a lot of things that I could really go for right now (ahem.. like, a spanking!), but it doesn't matter. It's me and my trusty vibrator saving the day one lonely night at a time.

I'm okay. I'm happy. I'm surviving. I'm alive.

I'm me... and I'm loving it more and more everyday.



His confidence walked into the room before he did. I could sense his presence before he was even there. I immediately stood up and positioned myself so that the upper half of my body was lying comfortably across the bed. My feet were carefully planted on the floor, as far apart as I could force them.

He entered moments later.

"Mmmm," was all I heard.

His hands roamed across my clothed backside, and worked their way down in between my legs. He rubbed me over my clothes for a while as I moaned and writhed and moved my body to the non-existent rhythm that consumed my mind.

Suddenly an unexpected smack landed against my upturned ass, and I gasped.

I could sense his positioning had changed and that he was now directly behind me. He reinforced my prediction by slamming his hard cock into my groin. He started bumping and grinding me and showing me just how much he loved it by moaning and growling.

I felt his fingertips at the waistband of my rainbow heart pajama pants. I knew what was next.

He swiftly pulled them to my ankles and ordered me to kick them away. I heard the door to the toy closet open and became curious. My head foolishly turned to look, but I was immediately reprimanded with another hard smack to my, now, bare ass.

"Don't look," he said, calmly. The dominance in his voice rang throughout the room for what seemed like forever.

I quickly turned my head around and awaited my wonderful fate. I heard something swooshing through the air and figured it could only be one of two things. Before I could really contemplate it I felt the riding crop land, hard, on my left ass cheek. I unintentionally winced and opened my mouth the protest, but before the words could creep up my throat, through my voice box and out of my mouth another slap landed to the other cheek.

He alternated, quickly, and I wriggled and whined... secretly enjoying it. Well, it wasn't a secret. We both knew I was enjoying it, and that's why he didn't stop. He kept going. He stopped to sweetly work the crop down to my pussy lips and gently rub them, but only until I really started to enjoy it.

He went back to tenderizing my ass and I went back to 'secretly' enjoying it. I moaned, and whined, all at the same time.

I heard the crop fall to the floor and started to worry, and anticipate. I felt his hands on my ass.. rubbing and soothing the warm, red skin.

"So.. soft," he whispered.

As soon as he felt my body relax he forcefully pulled my ass cheeks apart.

"I love that asshole," he told me, right before he shoved his tongue into it.

I squealed. It was unexpected.

Whatever came next involved lube, probably a paddle or a strap, and his dick in my ass.

But I'm not sure yet.. at this point I came, turned my vibrator off and fell asleep.

Girls night out;

Started with dinner, a movie, we went bowling.. and...

..... got pierced, OF COURSE!

What an amazing night.

And we stayed completely sober, the whole.. entire... time.

I love you ~J~.


Sick... and in trouble;

So.. I woke up this morning with the worst headache of my life. Well, probably not of my life.. but, I'm guessing it's close.

It lasted ALL day, and is still going.. although the aspirin (that I FINALLY took) has dulled it down a bit.

My stomach has been a mess, too, but I'll spare you the gory details of that.

So.. I slipped up on my attempts at becoming a clean and sober member of society. No, I'm not a crack head.. but I have been vowing to myself to just stay away from any and all substances, and I broke. Only once, but.. once is one time too many.

I confessed my sin to Scott, and he has informed me that my ass is grass... quite literally.

The thought makes me feel tingly and warm, but I know that it won't be a good thing once he's really here turning my ass into.. well, grass.

Another thing him and I have discussed is 'bed time'. He doesn't really want to give me a bedtime, but he has expressed his want for me to be in bed at a -reasonable- time.

This is all just because he wants me to be able to get up and function like the wonderful house mom that I am, and not be a grouch all day and half assing everything. It's all for my own benefit. He wants me well rested for my days.

One night I stayed up until 4 in the morning. We talked about it, and that's when he shared with me his concerns and his wants. He said 1 or 2 a.m. shouldn't be TOO unreasonable.

No.. it shouldn't have been. However, some nights it was inconvenient as I would rather sit online all night or watch movies and talk about our past sex lives with my step brother. (Awkward? I don't understand why it wasn't... but it wasn't!)

So.. last night four in the morning rolled around and.. I was still awake.

I told Scott about it. This is one of the many times I have stayed up past 1 or 2 in the morning, and he was very unhappy.. to say the least.

He informed me, very sternly (I might add), that I am grounded! =(

For Scott.. grounding isn't like restriction. No, restriction is restriction. Grounding is being grounded TO doing something. I was awaiting to hear what it was, and it's not TOO bad.

I'm grounded to writing in my journal (that he bought me a few weeks ago) every day...one page, just the front, until he comes home. I have to date it and put the time that I wrote it.

Some days he may be specific, but the days he's not.. I'm just supposed to write.

I think it's a very thoughtful gesture, and maybe it will help me vent some of my frustrations and stress out. I mean, I don't really have a choice.. I have to write. And if I'm having some negative thoughts, I'm sure they will come out. Maybe they will stay on the paper and when I close the book.. they will be gone!

He's really up on his game and I'm so proud of him, and proud to call him my HOH. He's really observant and thoughtful.. and I think we are both starting to understand the true meaning of this Domestic Discipline stuff.

Here we are, a year and a half (of a lot of complaining from both ends and me topping from the bottom!) later, doing this well.

If there's one thing I would say to a new DD couple out there it's to hold on and stay strong. You WILL get past the dumb shit. There are bumps and all of that, but you guys are rediscovering each other in a WHOLE new way. It can be a little complicated, and even inconvenient at times, but if you truly want it to work.. it will. Just keep your head up, and always have faith in one another.



Scott is away for a minute.. doing the 'get us ready to move' thing.

I'm pretty sure I have some weird 'addiction' (for lack of a better word) sort of thing to spanking.

I feel like death. I just want to be SPANKED.


There are TWO men in this city that could and have done it before, and both of them are the hardest people in the world to get ahold of!

One said he WANTED to spank me. HE'S the one that put that thought into my mind.

And now..

He's acting like I have all the time in the world.


So.. anyways..

Anybody in Las Vegas want to volunteer?



Spanking, anyone?

I would like to be spanked... like right now.

Please and thank you.



I jacked this photobucket meme from this blog.

1) Answer the questions below.
2) Take each answer and type it into Photobucket.com.
3) Take a picture from the first page of results and post (use the HTML code or else it won’t post).

4) You can't copy the persons answers who posted this before you!~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

1. The Age you will be on your next Birthday.

2. A place you would like to travel.

3. Your Favorite Place( Somewhere you've been).

4. Your Favorite Object.

5. Your Favorite Food.

6. Your Favorite Animal.

7. Your Favorite Color.

8. Your dream job.

9. Your dream car.

10. The Name of your Pet.

11. The 1st name of your current love.

12. Your nickname.

13. A bad habit of yours.

14. Your 1st Job.

15. Your Grandmother's Name.

16. Your Favorite Book.

17. Your Favorite Band.

18. Your Favorite character.

19. Your favorite thing to do.

20. Your favorite implement.

21. Your favorite position.
(LOL. This is the ONLY picture that worked.)

This mobile shit is confusing.

This mobile shit is confusing. (BTW..this is from my cellular device)


I'm so uncertain about a lot of things. The main thing right now is just my place in this world. Where do I belong?

I don't know. I'm trying to figure it out. Nothing fits or feels right. Everything I do just feels so wrong. The party scene, the drug scene, the bad shit like that.. that doesn't even feel right, but it somehow fills a void.

I don't want to be friends with other army wives. I don't fit there. I may be a military wife, but I am not a military wife. I refuse to be. The army may be his job, but it is not my life. My life is at home, not on base, with my son and my family.

But it doesn't just stop there. Why should it?

I know I need to go somewhere else. I need to be in another world along with this world. They need to intertwine and be at peace with one another.

But where do I look first?


I'm not dead.

This is just how it is.. I'm stressed.

I'm scared. I'm nervous. I'm sad. I'm trying so fucking hard to not fall into that big black hole where everything is dark and dreary.

And NO BODY seems to get it. I'm on the verge of snapping. I chopped my bangs yesterday. I took my time and I did it good, but, everyone who is anyone knows that me cutting any piece of my hair is a sign of a break down.

No, I didn't have a nervous breakdown.. but cutting my hair is up there right next to it. I ALWAYS cut my hair when I'm on the edge of depression. It's the first sign and the first step. It's impulsive and spontaneous and there is never an explanation other than 'I just felt like it.'

The night before last I was laying in my bed, getting ready to go to sleep earlier than usual. An old OLD friend text-ed me and said 'hey, I'm in Vegas. Can you meet me somewhere?'

I was excited and met her right around the corner. Little did I know, she was just going to bitch and moan about her boyfriend... who she spontaneously drove down here with. She literally whined and complained about life, and shot down everything I said in response to it. Then she drops the 'he might ditch me here' bomb on me. I immediately started searching for an excuse to get rid of her, and after six long, horrible, hours with her.. I finally found one.

I went home and immediately crashed.

The next day I woke up to Scott calling me. He called me to let me know he was going to Afghanistan in May.

I hung up on him.. and I cried. I cried and cried and cried. I just sat in my bed and sobbed... for a long time. I ignored his phone calls and his texts and just sat there and bawled like a little baby.

No one gets it.

I got up to go to the bathroom. No one had done dishes. No one has done any dishes in over a week, except me. I had no idea that part of the stipulation of me moving in here was to be the fucking maid.

So I left them. I left them the night before because I knew my mom and Charley were off the next day, and could handle doing the few dishes that were in the sink.


I wake up and my mom, as she's leaving, says 'if you go anywhere, make sure you clean up that kitchen before you do.'

Sure, mom.

I did. She found another thing to complain about in regards to my dish doing skills.

Yet she can't find the breath in her to thank me for slaving my ass over a hot stove and oven to cook her and her husband dinner every night, and then slaving my ass over a hot sink washing ALL of their dirty fucking dishes.

Anyways. I called her to ask where they were. They were at Costco, and would be home in about 45 minutes. I had to get out.

I got Walter dressed and we went to my dad's. That was okay.

While I was over there I got a phone call from another old friend. She is a military wife, too. I've known her since I was 2. I consider her an old friend for a reason.

Anyways.. she calls to bitch to me about military wives, and how dramatic and scandalous they are. She goes on telling me about how her friend just got back from Iraq and how his girl has been cheating on him, and how she was 'forced' to be involved and how wrong this person is and 'don't you agree?'.

I went off. I got a call on the other line. It's Anthony. THANK GOD.

I hang up and talk to him. He is stranded with some gay guy. I go pick him up. We go to his house for a while so Walter can visit his 'brown' uncles.

Everyone is on hardcore drugs over there. His older brother is kissing my ass so that he can make sure I ask my dad to get him a job working with him on his Landscape team, and also running around fixing everything like the crazy tweaker he is. His other brother is mooching cigarettes off of me because I guess I owed it to him because he entertains Walter while I'm over there. Anthony's mom is passed out, like a dead person, because she took like eight different types of pills.

And me and Anthony go into the bathroom and get high, with the window wide open because I don't want Walter near that shit.

As soon as we're done the guilt immediately sets in. I just feel like shit. I'm trying to quit and be clean and sober, but it's just not something that comes with who I am. I'm this piece of shit, drug doing, party animal person. I'm not this great mom that everyone thinks I am. I'm not this wonderful wife that everyone sees. I'm not all this shit.

I'm not loving or nurturing. I don't give a shit about most things.

Then I go to my cousin's house. I go over there for show. It's just something you do. You go visit your family even if you don't like them, at least once in a while. She's drugged out, and the house is empty. I guess my blood cousin (her husband) moved in with his mom, and had the kids for the weekend. She's just fucking retarded, and the moment I stepped in the door I wanted out.

Walter got tired, so I left.

I come home, thinking I'm going to be in trouble for not being home sooner, and nobody is here. They are gone. Drinking.

Fucking drinking. I tell Scott, and he freaks out. He wants me to leave. I'm not fucking leaving. Walter is asleep, and I'm going to sleep.

I spend the rest of the night on pins and needles waiting to hear something shatter and then have Walter start screaming. I was waiting for the fighting, for my mom to knock on the door in tears 'help, he's getting violent.'

I was waiting. All... night... long.

I fell asleep. I don't know what happened, but Walter woke up screaming in the middle of the night. I got up and made him a bottle. The night was still. The house reeked of alcohol. They were asleep.

This morning I wake up and my mom is hiding in her room. All... day... long.

Charley is an asshole now. He's this. He's that. She's not living with him anymore.

I'm sure he hit her.

I don't care, though. Not anymore. I don't give a shit about anything anymore. What's the point?

I love my son. I love him so much that it hurts.

I love my husband, and he's going to war. Nobody understands why I feel the way I feel. But you get married, and have a husband that you love more than you can explain.. and have him tell you 'I'm going to Afghanistan in May.'

Four months.

Four fucking months.

So fuck everyone who thinks I suck. Fuck everyone who doesn't get it. And fuck everyone who has no compassion and expects me to kiss their ass through their problems. This time, I'M the one with the problems. If you don't want to be there for me, then I guess you weren't that great of a friend in the first place.



So.. it's official, I guess. Scott leaves for Afghanistan in May. I don't know how long he'll be gone. I think they are usually gone for around 14-16 months, with a 30 day R&R opportunity after being deployed for six months. I know it's four months away, so I should be grateful for the time I DO have with him. I really am grateful, and I wouldn't want anyone to ever think that I wasn't. But.. I can't help but be sad. I'm trying to have faith, and I'm trying to stay positive.. but right about now I think I'd like some statistic comfort food that tells me what to expect. I feel hopeless. I'm not sure how this is going to turn out, or even how it usually turns out. It scares me. I'd like to know how often an army infantry soldier dies over there. I'd like to know what the chances are of him just losing a leg versus him dying.. or coming home safe and without a scratch.

I just want to know what to expect, I guess. I don't know whether to prepare for the worse or just stick to hoping for the best. I'm just not sure how to cope, and I don't think I will ever know.

Maybe It's about time I started seeing someone for things like this.


It was nice.

It was late and time to do the dishes. Walter was asleep, finally, and it was just mom and dad time. I bent over to put something away in a low cabinet, and I felt his hands on my ass. He pulled my pants down. I stood up quickly, kind of flushed, and told him we couldn't do it in he kitchen.

"Get in the room," he said, forcefully. I obliged.

Once we were in the room he threw me onto the bed, on my back, and pulled me so that my lower half was hanging off. He ripped my clothes off and threw my legs onto his shoulders and drove deep into me.

At first it was a little painful, but pleasurable at the same time. He told me to play with myself and I tried, but it wasn't really working out.

I wasn't totally into it. I started to get down inside, and upset a little because I have this same problem ALL the time, but pushed it aside. I FORCED myself to just let go and quit thinking so much, and I finally started feeling more pleasure than anything.

I played with myself and came in moments. It wasn't one of those 'OH MY GOD I'M GOING TO DIE' orgasms, but it was pretty good. Afterwards he continued fucking me. I pulled my legs down and pushed him back.

"What's wrong?" he asked, concerned. I didn't say anything. I just stood up and crawled onto the bed, on all fours. I arched my back and stuck my ass in the air and told him,

"Now I want you to fuck this pussy real good."

He jumped right on it. We fucked and fucked, and fucked some more. It got painful a couple of times and I found myself whispering,

"not that good."

My knees kept slipping on the sheets and I ended up on my stomach. I turned to my side a little and he kept fucking me. I started grinding and pushing my ass up against him, in sync with his thrusts.

We talked dirty back and forth and moaned and gasped and pulled and bit and it was just amazing.

He finally filled me with his seed and fell on top of me.

We laid like that for a while, just breathing and holding each other.

Then we did the dishes. I went to bed shortly after. He woke me up around 4 a.m. to kiss me goodbye.

He left this morning for our new home town to start the processing and house finding. I'll be joining him in a few weeks.


Choke me, spank me, pull my hair.

It happened again.

I tried. I tried so hard.

I'm so conflicted and confused on the inside. I feel like it's taking everything in me to stay sane and keep my head up. I'm trying to just hold it inside and figure it out in my spare time.

Sex feels good, but not that good.

I randomly sat on Scott's lap numerous times today and tongue fucked his face, leaving him with a raging boner. I felt myself become hornier and hornier. I was tempted to go fuck myself while he went to the store, but I decided I should share it with him.

He came home and I told him I was going to bed. I started playing with my pussy and sent him a text message from the room that said 'Why don't you come fuck me goodnight real quick? I'm playing with my pussy...'

Five seconds later there he was, on top of me, rubbing me, kissing me. His dick found itself inside me in no time, and it was great. It was really hard for me to cum, which is weird when I'm using a vibrator.. especially when his dick is in me at the same time.

I finally did, and it was lame. It was nothing. It was like a fraction of a sneeze after spending days with that feeling in the back of your nose.

He rolled me over into doggy style and started playing with my asshole. That was great. He told me to keep playing with my clit while he fucked me.

He put a butt plug in my ass and it was just... amazing. I loved it.

I started getting ridiculously hot (heat hot) and playing with myself became more annoying than pleasureable. Scott kept trying to talk dirty and it was irritating me. Everything was just... going down hill.

It started with me saying 'shhhhh' and him NOT getting it. I eventually yelled out 'SHUT THE FUCK UP!' I turned the vibrator off and chucked it. I asked him to open the window, and he did. I asked him to move the blanket that was in my way and all over me and making me sweat, and he did that too.

I tried to get back in the mood and play with my clit with just my finger. It didn't work. I stopped and kept moaning and groaning. Then he went deep, hard, and it hurt. It shot a pain up my spine like it always does. I tried to contain myself.

I was between tears and moans, and it wasn't a good thing. I was just wishing it would end soon.

He finally came, and I waited for him to finish his whole after sex ritiual where he pumps his limp dick lightly in and out of my pussy as the last little bit of nut shoots out, but he was taking forever.

I had to pee, and I openly admitted it. He rolled off of me and I went into the bathroom... and cried.

I don't know what to do. I am literally reaching out.

Will therapy help?

What is wrong with me, and how do I fix it?

Someone PLEASE give me a fucking idea.




No, I'm not really sad.. yet.

I'm torn between lives. I'm torn between right and wrong. I'm torn between a stupid line that's blurry and probably doesn't even REALLY exist.

I can't read my heart, and my mind is doing a shitty job.

I'm scared, I'm nervous, and I'm dumb.

Love is so stupid. I hate it. It's so much work and one thing leads to another and in five seconds it's gone. I'm so good at pretending things didn't happen. I'm so good at pretending like things don't hurt, or don't matter.

I have this feeling that Scott thinks I'm just a cold, heartless person. Maybe I am.

Maybe I am.

I don't know what to do. It's so hard to decide. It's so hard to love. It's so hard to embrace things.

I'm a married woman. I'm a mother.

I don't understand how it is possible to have other romance and balance it in a healthy way with my other life.

The two can't mix. The two just can't.

You become an object the moment he becomes involved. That's all you are when he's involved. It's just what happens. He directs. He watches. It becomes for him, and not for me. I don't enjoy it.

I don't enjoy it at all.

I don't enjoy him.

I don't enjoy sex. Period. With anybody. I don't even really enjoy it with myself. It's just a quick nut out of boredom.

I love you, but I don't know if I can. I don't know how this works or how it will work. It's so simple to say that love is blind, and that all else doesn't matter. It's simple to say that you don't have to just love ONE person. It's simple to say that you can love your husband, and someone else, too.

Then you throw a baby in the mix.

Then you actually do it.

And it doesn't work.

It's a balancing act that I don't know how to do. I'm not trained for this type of shit.

I've never properly loved, and now this. There is so much.

SO much.

Bills, moving, you, me, him, Walter, life, cooking, cleaning, my mom..

SO much.

I feel like I'm dying and throwing sex and more love into the mix makes it all the more messy.

I'm scared, and I'm confused. I don't know how to do this.

I just want to be alone with you. I just want to sit there, even if just in the parking lot of your complex in the warmth of the car.. in silence.

That's all I want.

But I just don't know how.

Basically I lied..

I really am just.. sad.

(Just tell me how to fucking do it..)


I'm confused about love.

I'm confused about my wants, needs, and desires.

I love Scott, so very VERY much, but sometimes I find it hard to just be nice to him. I haven't blown him since he's been home. When I think about it, I realize that it's work I'll have to do, and I decide I don't want to do it.

I know that's wrong, but it is what it is.

The sex... is sometimes amazing. Sometimes it's not so amazing, but I really can't complain too much there. It's mostly my fault that it isn't amazing.

I wonder how women enjoy sex SO much. I want to be that one. I want to be the woman who can't get enough. I want to be the woman who's pussy gets so invitingly wet that it's hard to even get the cock inside because it keeps slipping and sliding all over the place.

I want to gush when I orgasm and tremble and shake.

I want to cum from just penetration, which I have NEVER been able to do in my life.

I want to crave sex, and love every minute of it. I want to jump on my husband every time he walks around the corner and beg him for his cock like I used to.

I used to run to him, jump, and ride. I used to want to fuck until he literally couldn't do it anymore.

My heart used to skip a beat when he called, or every time I saw him.

I want that again. I crave it. It breaks my heart so much every time I see him and I just want to claw his eyes out.

What is wrong with me? Why do I feel this way?

Why do I hurt everything and everyone so dear and close to me?

The people I love I just can't love. I just CAN'T love.

When I love, I stop. I give up. I distance myself.

There is something stopping me. NO ONE has the answers. NO ONE can tell me WHAT is so wrong with me and WHY I do these things!


It KILLS me that I can't figure it out for myself. But it kills me even MORE that when I have finally sought out help, NOBODY has the answer!

Where do I go? Who can help me love him like I used to? How do I fix this before I break it?

He loves me more than life itself. Maybe that's what it is. I don't know.

I love him. I really do. It's not that I don't love him, or that I don't want to be with him. It would be like this with anybody.

I don't want anybody else.

I just... want to know how to fix THIS.

Help me...



So... as you all know, I'm moving soon. Well, you probably DON'T know that.. but.. now you do!

We are literally starting our lives now.. from scratch. We have nothing but a bed and some hand-me-down furniture. I'm not complaining, I'm pretty excited.. but, this means no computer.

The only thing I will have online that is updated.. is my Twitter. Feel free to follow me on there, I update mostly daily from my cell phone.


Left overs

After the Holidays people generally have a ton of left overs. I'm mostly talking about ham and turkey... at least in my family.

We always have turkey for Christmas dinner (sometimes ham, too), and we always have ham, black eyed peas, and greens on the first. It's tradition.

Well... this holiday, I decided to get creative with the left overs. I thought I'd share the deliciousness that came out of my experimentation..

Ham and Chicken Gumbo
Tonight I made Ham and Chicken gumbo. Scott told me he had never had gumbo, so I wanted to show him how delicious it was. I used the leftover ham from the New Year's dinner and my mom and her husband added the black eyed peas to theirs. It was really a hit.
The recipe requires:
-6 slices of bacon.
-2/3 cup chopped onion.
-2 minced garlic cloves (or 1 teaspoon of already minced garlic)
-1 cup of cubed, fully cooked ham.
-1 cup of cubed, fully cooked chicken.
-2 tomatoes, sliced.
-1/2 tomato
-2 cups (1 can) chicken broth.
-1 teaspoon of Worcestershire sauce.
-1/4 teaspoon of salt.
-Hot pepper sauce (Tabasco) to taste/smell.
-Pepper to taste.
-Hot cooked rice.
-2 Tablespoons of butter.
You chop the bacon into 1/2 inch pieces and stick them in a large skillet, just until crisp. You then add the onions and cook until bacon is crisp and the onion is soft, stirring constantly. (This is all over medium heat).
Then you add the garlic, ham and chicken and cook for a few minutes, still stirring constantly.
Next you add the diced tomatoes and the chicken broth. You take the half tomato and squeeze it in your hand above the skillet, letting all the juices and juicy insides fall into the pan. Toss the remainder of the tomato in the garbage. Stir it all together, then add the Worcestershire sauce, salt, hot pepper sauce, and pepper. Bring it all to a boil, then reduce the heat and simmer for about 30 minutes.
Towards the end you can add a little flour (or Wondra) to the soup to make it a little thicker. This is optional and depends on you, though.
Once you start the simmer you should put on the rice. When the rice is finished, add the 2 tablespoons of butter and stir it all together. This will give your rice a creamy texture and will add to the delight of the meal.

MMMMMM... It was a hit.

Almond-Turkey Casserole
We had a lot of leftover turkey from Christmas dinner. Of course we were eating turkey sandwiches galore, but it was still taking a while to get rid of it. I decided to make a little casserole out of it. It was amazing.
This is what you need to make it:
-2 cans of cream of mushroom soup, undiluted.
-1/2 cup mayonnaise
-1/2 cup sour cream
-2 tablespoons chopped onion
-2 tablespoons lemon juice
-1 teaspoon salt
-1/2 teaspoon white pepper
-5 cups cubed cooked turkey
-3 cups cooked rice
-2 celery ribs (chopped up)
-1 can (8 ounces) sliced water chestnuts, drained
-1 cup sliced almonds
-38 crushed butter flavored crackers
-1/3 cup butter, melted
-1/4 cup sliced almonds
What you do:
Get a large bowl and combine the soup, mayo, sour cream, onion, lemon juice, salt and pepper. After you have all that combined (stick your finger in it and taste how delicious it is already ;-)), stir in the turkey, rice, celery, water chestnuts and almonds.
Transfer it to a greased casserole dish (or a cake pan). Combine topping ingredients and sprinkle over the turkey mixture. Bake it, uncovered, at 350 degrees for 35-40 minutes or until bubbly and golden brown.

Now I didn't think it would be THAT good... but it was amazing. I mean AMAZING. Perfect amount of crunch and zing mixed in with all the great flavors. MMMM..

I LOVE cooking and baking. It is a HUGE passion of mine.

Scott loves that I love to cook, too. ;-)

Well.. speaking of cooking... a request for some peanut butter rice krispie treats has been made, and I'm just the girl to fill it.




1. What did you do that you'd never done before? Had a baby

2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I didn't make one last year.. and I'll probably make some for this year.

3. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008? ORGASMS.

4. What dates from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory? Seeing my son for the very first time.

5. Did you suffer illness or injury? Just a c-section. Ick.

6. What was the best thing you bought? Pepe's tacos

7. Where did most of your money go? Drugs, probably.

8. What did you get really, really excited about? Having my son! And marrying my best friend!

9. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? Happier
b) thinner or fatter? NOT 9 months pregnant!
c) richer or poorer? Richer

10. What do you wish you'd done more of? SEXXX.

11. What do you wish you'd done less of? Nervous breakdowns and mean streaks to my husband.

12. How will you be spending new years? New years has come and gone... and I went to bed EARLY. Haha

13. Did you fall in love in 2008? I met my son for the first time. It was love at first sight.

14. How many one-night stands? None!

15. What was your favorite TV program? Nothing imparticular. I'm not a big fan of T.V.

16. What was the best book you read? Becoming the Woman of His Dreams.

17. What did you want and get? A cell phone!

18. What did you want and not get? A pony? Haha.

19. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I ate delicious pastries that my dear cousin made for me.. because I was craving them. I had my son a few days later.

20. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008? Mom-ish.

21. What kept you sane? I was definitely NOT sane for the majority of 2008.

22. What political issue stirred you the most? Politics is a load of crap. They weed out the truth and feed us mostly bullshit. Again with the comfort food. The whole concept of politics stirs me on a daily basis.

23. Who was the best new person you met? C... and S.

24. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008: I have learned so many. The biggest one is probably something along the lines of just staying strong and keeping my head up. There have been so many ups and downs and when I didn't even realize it was down when it was, we were so happy. The times that I was complaining or loathing myself and my life were the times I was the most unhappy, and it was my fault. I put my husband down on a daily basis and I neglected my son because of my own self pity. 2008 was a big downward spiral but towards the end something reached out and grabbed my heart and helped me back up. I learned I need to just focus on my family and remember how much I truly love them. I learned I need to do for me, but it doesn't need to be substance. I learned I need to be more considerate of myself and my family.

2008 was a great year. It was horrible, but we got through it.. and that makes it all worth the while.

Happy New Year everyone.. I hope this year is as great as the last one.