The months they don't matter; it's the days I can't take.

I haven't heard from Scott in five days. I got two letters yesterday but they were written a day or two before the last time I talked to him on the phone, so they are old news. They're nice, don't get me wrong, but they just don't fill the void where he once was placed so tightly.

It's only five more days until he comes home, and they are dragging on for what seems like forever. As the days go by I am becoming more and more nervous.
I sent him 300 dollars about two weeks ago, along with a cell phone and some pictures. I don't know if he got it. That bothers me, a lot. The last time I talked to him he hadn't got it yet, and it had been a week. Supposedly they were supposed to be able to make a lot more phone calls after they finished their FTX, but their FTX is over.. and I haven't heard from him since the day he got back from it.

I'm so nervous about him coming home. I'm nervous about fulfilling this fantasy he wrote me about (in detail). I plan on doing it the night he comes home, just like he wrote. I'm smooth, way smoother than him, when it comes to stuff like this.. but I'm still nervous. I want it to be perfect.

I'm nervous that he's not writing me because he thinks I'm not writing him. I wrote him a ton of letters but apparently he hasn't received them yet. I stopped writing because I stopped getting things from him. I had nothing to go on and he was pushed to the back of my mind, with everything else that was going on. I know that sounds horrible. He's always at the top of my heart, but with him being gone, and life having to go on.. he's not always the first thing on my mind.

I love him a lot and I can't wait until he comes home. I'm nervous about getting to know him again. I'm nervous about adding to the mix because he is so.. different, and it's just like we first got together again. We have to get to know each other all over again and learn how to live together and be together and intertwine our lives. Adding to the mix could make or break the life we are about to start, and I'm just.. so confused.

I love him a lot. I miss him more than anything in the world. I can't wait to see him.

I'm at a point, though, where my natural reaction to absence is trying to take over. I'm trying to put a wall up, and forget about him. I'm trying to not be sad, or lonely. I'm trying to pretend like maybe it's not hard, or maybe I can live happily ever after without him.

None of it's true. It's so hard. I can't live happily ever after without him. I could never forget him.

This life is so.. complicated. It's an adventure, but there are a lot of extra questions and concerns and side adventures that are making it even more complicated and stressful.

I just.. I can't wait to hear from him, and I can't wait until he gets home.

Five more days.

No comments:

Post a Comment