Just for the sake of talking about it..

The spanking and discipline part of my life and our marriage has really been on the up. He is so great. He has been reading all my cues PERFECTLY and every time I need a spanking he acknowledges it.. whether he actually spanks me, or not.

We sat down with rules and he had me write them down. They mostly involve respect and me having it for myself and for him and for our family. He wants me to continue my attempt to become more lady like, also.

Now when I say 'lady like' I don't getting my nails and hurrr did all the time. (ha ha ha) He just means not going out in big lion slippers, pajama pants, and a big fuzzy robe all accompanied by bed head. (yeah, I used to do that.) And kind of watching my mouth.

Everything has been wonderful. We've had some minor ups and downs but what marriage doesn't? We are still in the process of getting to know one another and getting used to living with and around each other again, and it's been a lot of fun.

NOT being pregnant really messed with me but I think we are doing okay with that, too. I know one bunk time of not getting pregnant is nothing to worry about.. at all. But I have this secret hidden fear that eats away at me every single day about infertility... so I worry.

Every negative pregnancy test is a sigh of sadness, and not relief, even if it is an inconvenient time for me to be pregnant.

But.. back to the spanking!

We have just had a spanking good time lately. I'd say mostly everyday there has been some sort of spanking involved. His technique is really amazing, too. I love it. I love the way he spanks me. It's not sloppy anymore, at all. He spanks like a pro and I think it's all from watching one.. single.. video.

(He's a fast learner.)

It's been just... amazing.

I'm really satisfied and ready for this move. I'm nervous about what I'm leaving behind but... that is to be expected, I guess.

I see it as a big adventure and a journey and I'm really ready to just.. finally get our lives started. Together, as a family, we will do it.. and it will be great.

Nap time fun time..

I was feeling... unsure. I don't know the word, really, so unsure will do.

It was that feeling where you don't know what you want to watch, eat, or do. You don't know whether to sit or stand. To fight or fuck. It's a really uneasy feeling, and I get it a lot. Scott was just sitting there. The vibe was fine. The words were nice. The mood was sweet. But I felt like fighting.

So I just got up and went into the room. I figured he would follow me, but he didn't. I called him from the house phone and asked him to bring me my cigarettes. He came in the room and I was a little mouthy. I started talking in circles and making absolutely no sense with my reasonings for reasons.

"You want a spanking.." He said.

"No.." I lied.

He spanked anyways. It was light at first. "You're a bad, bad girl. Aren't you?"

"No way.." I lied again.

My pants came down and the spanks came harder and faster. I wiggled. He scolded. It was light hearted and fun, but I had to go along with it.

Implements came out. One after another. It was painful, but I was getting wet.

"You're enjoying this, aren't you?"

"Yes.."

"Because you're a bad girl, huh?"

"Yes..."

Eventually his hand worked his way elsewhere... Then I ended up on my back... and his face in between my legs.

OH.

MY.

GOD.

Then his body against mine. He went deeper than he's been able to in a while. The pain was SOOOO good.

I came twice.

It was.. amazing.. exhilirating.

I still feel high.

I LOVE nap time.

Statistically speaking..

Last night in the middle of my slumber.. I received a text message from ~*J*~.

It read as follows:

"Did you know 19% of people worldwide and 41% of people in the US like to be spanked? Men AND women :)"

Now, as interesting and nice as this may be.. I have trouble wholeheartedly believing it. How do people come up with these stats? I've never been asked 'do you like being spanked?', so how can I consider myself part of that percentage? Do they just make this shit up?

How do you do that? You ask 100 people if they like to be spanked, half of the ones that do will probably say no for the sake of discretion, and the other half answer honestly.. and that's how you tell? What if you got a bad batch of 100 people? What if you go to a community where all 100 people say yes? Then what? Will you say 100% of people like to be spanked?

So, my friends, I've decided that statistics are comfort food fed to us by the media. Fuck the media.

And fuck their brain washing.

Statistics can suck a fat dick.

Siiiigghhh

Christmas was great. My delicious plates were a hit, and (as far as I know) everyone loved them! It wasn't too exhausting, and I can't wait to do it again next year!

We are moving sometime in January. That's scary, AND exciting.

I took a pregnancy test and it was negative. I cried. I really want to be pregnant and I haven't had my period.. I know it's too soon to freak out but... not really.

I have PCOS and for my sister, that caused her infertility. I want a big family. I can be happy with just my son and I feel bad for even being sad that I'm not pregnant.. rather than just appreciating the wonderful things I have been blessed with, but I can't help it. I feel like I should be pregnant.

It's hard to explain.. but there is a baby that I need to make right now. I can just sense it, or feel it in my bones. Aside from 'baby fever', I just have this instinct to make another baby.

I want one. I want to be pregnant.

I'm ready.

I guess my body isn't.

:(

OH.. spanking.

On Christmas night after everyone was in bed, I got a real spanking. Scott promised it to me.. he said it was like an 'introductory' spanking.. since it has been so long and since we have both changed so much. Things will be different, I already know that. He is better at it, all of it, and it's more than just him learning now. Now it's just him perfecting.

It's kind of scary, but it's really comforting and nice. He spanked me with his hand really fast and hard, over my pants, for a while. Then my pants came down and he used his hand some more. Then he used a wooden spoon.. and then the paddle. (ick).

It lasted like 30 minutes, and I'm still a tad bit sore. It was really REALLY nice though.

I missed him. I missed him and his sloppy spankings. No one could replace him. I love him so much.

Ahhh..

enough cheese..

Merry Christmas and Happy almost New Year!

Merry Christmas!

We've been staying at my mom's, and I've been baking my rear off... and then putting together cute little plates of goodies and delivering them all over town... so I haven't had much time to blog, or read blogs, or do anything internet

Bah HUMP bug!

Sorry it's been so long since I've REALLY updated. Scott came home and we have just been spending gobs of time with each other, and with family. I really missed him, and apparently I'm not the only one!

On the spanking front.. that's been minimal, but ever so delicious either way. Most of the time we have to settle for a quickie.. now that Walter is older and more.. of a light sleeper, ha ha. But it is amazing none-the-less.

I officially started my holiday baking today. We don't have a lot of money, at all, so we are opting out with goodie plates for everyone that we love and cherish. I'm making EVERYTHING from scratch.. and so far I've made rice krispie treats, snicker doodles (they did not turn out so well.. ha ha), and chocolate chip cookies.

I have a list longer than my hand of shit I have to make, but It's fun.. I love baking.. and I love shoving peoples faces full of delicious food.. so it's a win win situation.

Anyways.. that's pretty much it, really.

When something of significance comes up, or I get some time, I'll write a proper post.

Until then!

<3

101 things you probably didn't need to know about me.

101 things you probably don't know about me:

1. I was born on Superbowl Sunday.
2. My initials (before marriage) were NFL
3. I sang a solo in the fifth grade play
4. I sang, danced, and played instruments in the Orff Festival in fifth grade
5. I was a first chair flutist all through middle school.
6. I watched my cousin get molested when I was five years old
7. One of my sisters died two weeks before she turned 16.
8. I was 2
9. I got jumped by a group of black boys in fourth grade
10. Because I was fat
11. I got straight A's all through elementary school
12. I was in GATE (Gifted and Talented Education) during elementary school
13. I quit because I just wanted to be normal and not be smart anymore
14. I started a dance group called 'The Five Singing Toes' when I was like 9
15. I choreographed dances with my four friends
16. We performed at family functions and birthday parties
17. I am a victim of the pop epidemic
18. And I love Britney, Christina, Mandy, Jessica, and the Backstreet Boys
19. My first boyfriend was my best friend Anthony
20. He is gay
21. We have been friends since we were in diapers
22. I watched him have sex with my boy cousin when we were 12.
23. More than once
24. Him and I fooled around from the time we were 10 until 17.
25. He officially took my 'virginity' when we were 15
26. I was the apple of my dad's eye until him and my mom divorced
27. He had open heart surgery the day before 7th grade started
28. He hasn't been the same since and it kills me
29. My dad used to abuse me physically and verbally after his open heart surgery
30. I attempted suicide almost everyday from the time I was 13 to 15
31. I was hospitalized for almost succeeding once.
32. I started using meth when I was 15.
33. I skipped town three times from the time I was 14 to 17
34. I spent the majority of my meth addiction living on the streets
35. Because my dad threw me out
36. And my mom was wrapped up in abusive boyfriends and alcohol
37. I had my first threesome when I was 16 with a girl and a guy
38. Two weeks after I lost my virginity I met up with a random stranger and had sex with him in his car
39. He ditched me in the middle of no where after that
40. My first love was a grown convict that is now in jail for raping a 13 year old girl
41. He was 22, I was 16
42. I stayed the night with a strange 35 year old man when I was 16
43. He kept me addicted to crack and forced me to stay with him
44. He raped me and didn't allow me to shower or eat the whole time.
45. It lasted a little over a week.
46. I sold my mouth for cigarettes
47. I once got put in cuffs during a domestic dispute at my friends house
48. I was so far gone that I fell asleep sitting on the sidewalk
49. The two friends from my young, young childhood that I am still very close with are both gay
50. One is a girl, and one is a boy
51. I talked two of my friends into making spanking videos when we were 13 and having a sleep over
52. I saw somebody ripped limb from limb right before my eyes
53. I saw somebody stabbed in a 7-11 parking lot in the middle of crack alley, las vegas.
54. I cleaned up the blood because nobody else would.
55. I fell in drug induced love with a really hot bum named Greg.
56. We randomly met up over a course of two years
57. My husband had a girlfriend of over four years when I met him.
58. I didn't know until she contacted me after about three months
59. My first job was at Pizza Hut
60. I babysat a little boy with autism for five years
61. I spent three years climbing in and out of Anthony's window to see him because his mom hated me.
62. She hated me because I got in a huge fight with her in their front yard because she always kept him grounded.
63. We love each other now. A lot.
64. I am in love with a girl.
65. She's one of the girls I convinced to make spanking videos with me.
66. I haven't made a new friend in years.
67. I got pepper sprayed in the 8th grade.
68. At school for 'disturbing the peace' and 'obstructing an officer on duty'.
69. I still call bullshit on that.
70. I started beating the living shit out of every boy that messed with me once I got into the seventh grade.
71. I never once got in trouble for it.
72. One boy probably can't have kids now because of me.
73. I've only been in one real fight with a girl.
74. I've probably been in over 10 fights with boys.
75. I dropped out of high school in the 9th grade.
76. Because I was miserable.
77. I started smoking cigarettes when I was 13.
78. I gave my first real blow job when I was 13.
79. The boy was a stranger I met at a skate park.
80. He was 17. I was drunk.
90. My best friend and neighbor as a child was five years older than me.
91. I used to watch her boyfriends fuck, finger, and eat her out when I was a kid.
92. She taught me how to use a tampon.
93. I've never had sex with a girl by myself.
94. I've been in countless threesomes with a girl and a guy.
95. I'm afraid to have sex with a girl by myself.
96. I want to really really bad.
97. When Scott is going down on me, I imagine it's her.
98. It's the only way I can cum.
99. I have never had an orgasm from penetration.
100. I'm really good at faking it, though.
101. I can masturbate myself an orgasm in less than a minute.


WELL... there you have it.

Hahaha. Lots of sex and tragedy.

Well.. you know all the HAPPY things about me..

So.. that's that, then.

BTW.. I'm really glad he's home.

Update!!

Scott is home!


That's all.

Uh-Oh!

So.. I haven't had my period. I had very NOT CAREFUL sex with my husband over a three day period when I went to visit him towards the end of November. I took two pregnancy tests. One the week after, and another a couple days after that. Both were negative so I pushed aside my instincts and said 'there's no way'.

Well, folks, thoughts have changed. I'm sitting here. I've been feeling strange things in my uterus. It feels swollen, full, and a little achy. Not crampy like period cramps, just.. a little uncomfortable.

Now, I could just be trippin'.. and I'm probably STILL going to deny the fact that I think I may be pregnant.. but.. I'd say another pregnancy test was in order..

Wouldn't you?

I LOVE THIS GIRL!

I don't think you would understand.

Lets get textual

Have you ever had your text message inbox clogged with those annoying forwards, including the one that says 'Let's get textual' ? You scroll down and it's a bunch of 'oo's' and 'ahh's' and cyber moaning and at the very end it says 'we just had textual intercourse!'

Well, whether you know what I'm talking about or not is not the point of this blog. The point of this blog is that Scott finally got to call me tonight.

Well, he text messaged me. Then I called him. We talked for a while, but then he had to get off of the phone.. so we started texting each other.

Being in this wonderful day and age most everyone has a camera phone, including me... and now Scott.

Well, I'm pretty sure he was sitting in the dark doing his text messages.. probably under the covers in his bunk.. but I wasn't.

And boy, let me tell you, I never thought you could have so much fun through text messaging! Phone sex? Forget about it! Why have phone sex when you can type dirty things to each other and include oh so raunchy pictures that tell the EXACT story of what you are doing to yourself?

It was amazing. I sent him approximately 37 pictures of me and my.. ahem... well, everything that makes me female.. and.. well.. you know, probably a little more than just what makes me female!

He was loving it. I was, too. It really took a lot of sexual tension away from me.. at least for a minute.

I think everybody should have textual intercourse at least once in their lives.. I highly recommend it!

The months they don't matter; it's the days I can't take.

I haven't heard from Scott in five days. I got two letters yesterday but they were written a day or two before the last time I talked to him on the phone, so they are old news. They're nice, don't get me wrong, but they just don't fill the void where he once was placed so tightly.

It's only five more days until he comes home, and they are dragging on for what seems like forever. As the days go by I am becoming more and more nervous.

I sent him 300 dollars about two weeks ago, along with a cell phone and some pictures. I don't know if he got it. That bothers me, a lot. The last time I talked to him he hadn't got it yet, and it had been a week. Supposedly they were supposed to be able to make a lot more phone calls after they finished their FTX, but their FTX is over.. and I haven't heard from him since the day he got back from it.

I'm so nervous about him coming home. I'm nervous about fulfilling this fantasy he wrote me about (in detail). I plan on doing it the night he comes home, just like he wrote. I'm smooth, way smoother than him, when it comes to stuff like this.. but I'm still nervous. I want it to be perfect.

I'm nervous that he's not writing me because he thinks I'm not writing him. I wrote him a ton of letters but apparently he hasn't received them yet. I stopped writing because I stopped getting things from him. I had nothing to go on and he was pushed to the back of my mind, with everything else that was going on. I know that sounds horrible. He's always at the top of my heart, but with him being gone, and life having to go on.. he's not always the first thing on my mind.

I love him a lot and I can't wait until he comes home. I'm nervous about getting to know him again. I'm nervous about adding to the mix because he is so.. different, and it's just like we first got together again. We have to get to know each other all over again and learn how to live together and be together and intertwine our lives. Adding to the mix could make or break the life we are about to start, and I'm just.. so confused.

I love him a lot. I miss him more than anything in the world. I can't wait to see him.

I'm at a point, though, where my natural reaction to absence is trying to take over. I'm trying to put a wall up, and forget about him. I'm trying to not be sad, or lonely. I'm trying to pretend like maybe it's not hard, or maybe I can live happily ever after without him.

None of it's true. It's so hard. I can't live happily ever after without him. I could never forget him.

This life is so.. complicated. It's an adventure, but there are a lot of extra questions and concerns and side adventures that are making it even more complicated and stressful.

I just.. I can't wait to hear from him, and I can't wait until he gets home.

Five more days.

Flogging

I was reading a post on flogging a little bit ago and it really intrigued me. My thoughts on flogging have always been pretty closed minded. The initial reaction I get when I hear flogging is 'ick, sounds painful!' I never really considered it!

Needless to say I have never been flogged. This is something I'm becoming pretty interested in. I used to be really iffy about having anything other then my behind and thighs being spanked (I guess I can't leave out the fact that I do enjoy having my pussy and breasts slapped around every now and again, also). Anywhere near my back or anywhere else, actually, makes me really nervous, so flogging has never really been an option in my mind.

It is my new quest to seek open mindedness on all (well, most) things sexual. 'Don't knock it 'till you try it' is my new slogan to live by (again, mostly.).

The blog entry I was reading lead to this, which got me even MORE intrigued. In that blog they talk about doing a 30 day libido challenge. The challenge is to see if having a lot of sex leads to a desire to have EVEN MORE sex. Their goal (I think) is to see if, after 30 days of having tons and tons of sex, her libido goes up. I think it sounds great, interesting, and really really fun! I think I'll have to give it a go when Scott comes home!

There's nothing to cushion my callused eyes

When I went to Georgia to visit Scott during his very first family day, my heart was racing. I was so nervous, excited, anxious, and everything in between. I remember our first moments alone.. kissing and touching in such an intimate way were so.. awkward. I felt lost, or unsure. Not of my love, or of him. Mostly of myself. My emotions were running wild and I wasn't sure what I was supposed to do or how to react. It had been months since I'd last been touched that way by someone, and the last person that HAD touched me like that was him. He was no longer the same person. It was a different him. I felt so.. insecure. I didn't know what he would enjoy or what he wouldn't. I had never really been the way I wanted to be, sexually, so I was unsure of myself and my urges, also. I didn't know what to do.

Point blank.

I remember growing balls and shoving him back as hard as I could. I remember taking him into my mouth and pleasing him that way. I remember afterwards doing everything I had ever wanted to do. I remember him glowing.

The first time we actually made love after we were reunited.. I remember having the same feelings. I was unsure of myself, again. There were so many things I wanted to do, or say, but I was afraid. I was afraid of a rejection that couldn't exist. I don't know where or why my mind comes up with these things, but I fear rejection from the one person in the world that would never reject my feelings.

I remember feeling an overwhelming gush of emotion. The fact that he was there with me, on top of me, in my arms, inside of me... it just hit me. It hit me so hard I grabbed the back of his head and pulled it to mine. I kissed him hard, and passionately.

I cried.

I cried silently. Tears rolled down my cheeks as our tongues swirled and our bodies became one. The happiness I was feeling was so overwhelming that I couldn't help but cry. I missed him so much and the fact that he was there, at that time, was so unreal. It was so hard to believe. I felt like I was living in a dream.

I have never cried during sex (save the times where it hurt).

It was the most beautiful experience I have ever really had.

Shmee

Today was the day. He got four shots. It was ridiculously sad. I tried to be tough, but it didn't really work out too well. The bitch doctor pressured me into giving him four shots instead of the two that I usually will allow him to have. Her whole attitude toward me changed the moment she looked at his shot record and realized he was 12 shots behind. I have already felt like shit about it, but obviously she felt the need to add to it.

I'm 19. I'm young. I went in there with my mother, and not the father of my child. He is behind on shots and hasn't seen a doctor since he was 2 months old. I can only imagine the opinions running through the minds of them. I'm trying to just inhale peace and exhale sorrow because I don't want to let the opinion of ONE stupid doctor get to me. There are tons of doctors out there and I can easily get another one. I can just 'doctor shop' until I find one that makes me feel comfortable.

This one sucked. I didn't like her at all. Even Walter didn't really care for her. The shot process was horrible. They put him on the little table and held him down and just stuck him really really quick four times. Two in each leg. The first one he screamed bloody murder and tightened his whole body up. They wouldn't even let me hold him. I told them to stop and to hold on but they didn't. They just kept going. It was so sad. I never want to do it again but I have to. Every month.. until he's caught up and completely done.

I guess I just have to take what my mom keeps telling me and try my best to remember it always.

"Sometimes you've gotta dish out some bad in order to get good. It's not always easy, but it's simple."

-My mom

Meatball

I've had my moments. I've been so frustrated and stressed out that I wished I knew the number to the black market.
But at this point in my life.. I'm half way satisfied. I'm pretty happy. I'm a little stressed, but nothing too major, and I can honestly say I wouldn't change my life for the world.

Being a mother is so important to me. It is so exciting, and fun. Everyday is an adventure. Getting to know a baby while it gets to know itself is sometimes daunting, or inconvenient.. but in the end it is so amazing. The days when I appreciate it I just feel so... cathartic.

There are days, though, where being a mom is the saddest thing in the world. Like the first day he was born and they just wheeled him away. It felt like there was a big empty hole in the pit of my heart.

Then there's the shots. OH GOD.. the shots. I don't know if it's just me, but I can barely stand it. It makes me cry just as hard as him. My stomach turns and twists and it just breaks my heart into a thousand pieces.


I have to take Walter to get shots tomorrow. The first shots I had to be around for. The second one's Scott took him to.

Now it's my turn, and my stomach is already turning.

If Looks could really kill; then my profession would be staring

I have a question.. mostly for, but not limited to, the men.



Now.. we all know that women get bored. (I don't mean to be stereotyping or categorizing someone that doesn't fit in this category but matches the criteria. I'm just saying in general, not individually.) If we have a man running around, kissing our ass, and just.. forever babying us, giving us what we want, and answering to our every single need at the drop of a hat.. we are most likely going to get.. bored, right? We're going to want someone else. Someone masculine and that stands up for himself. Someone robust and manly. Someone that, while at the same time loves us, knows what HE wants, too.

Right?

Now.. if a WOMAN acts like that towards a man. Does he get bored?

I wonder because I would love to be that wife that drops to her knees at any given second to take my husbands cock in my mouth.. at his request. However, in the past I have always refrained from things like this because I don't know if it will drive him away. Am I supposed to fight it? Am I supposed to pretend that that's not what I want? Am I supposed to be cheeky, and sarcastic, and rude and deny him that? And just 'do it when I feel like it'?

I'm just wondering.. I'm not sure how that works, but I have always wanted to know.

Sorry for the inconvenience

I have a tendency to do this from time to time.