I mostly feel like a waste of space or something. I feel like I can't achieve anything, and lately I've been spending way too much time regretting my past. Regret is something I never wanted to have, and I've been fighting it all these years.

But as I sit here waiting to start my new job, at a fast food joint, I realize that is all I'll ever be able to do. All I will ever be able to provide is minimum wage, flipping burgers.

I messed up by not finishing school, and I want SO badly to be mad at my parents for not being more on my ass.. for not loving me enough to push me to be the best, for just giving up on me when I needed them to be parents the most.

But I can't. It's my fault. I am me, and I should have been able to make better decisions.

The saddest thing about all of this is that I've been trying hard to find some where to finish my diploma. I don't want a GED, although I feel I might have to settle. I want my diploma. I want to be normal, and right. I want my kids to see it and say 'my mommy graduated high school.' Not, 'my mommy dropped out of high school and took this test and got a GED.'

It's just a big difference for me. (No offense at all to those of you with GED's. You're probably doing better than I am.) I just want my kids to know that even though I dropped out, I went back and did ALL of the work, and still managed to graduate. I want them to know that they need to graduate to be successful, and I don't want them to have to learn that by seeing my mistakes. I want them to see my success, not my failures, and learn from it.

Hopefully fat lips aren't going to become a routine thing, because if it does.. I really will have no way out, because I won't be able to support my kids alone.


  1. I think this is something you can do online now and get a 'real' diploma. Google it. I don't know how much you have left, or if it would be easier to do it through a distance-learning program in the state you were in before, but it is worth pursuing. And, you know what, better late than never.

    Besides, once you have the high school diploma, Colorado has excellent secondary education options and, whether you finished the diploma or not, you clearly have an ability to write and communicate that is crucial to educational success. The knowledge can be acquired with hard work.


  2. I've been doing research online and I can't tell which ones are scams, and which ones aren't. I'm not very bright when it comes to school, I went a little every year in highschool (except senior), but I never did anything when I was there. The last grade that I actually attempted was 8th. I sort of need a one on one teacher.

  3. Not necessarily one on one, but you know.. face to face.

    And I have really really really REALLY been trying, and no one here (i mean NO ONE) will help me. I'm just giving up for the moment.