soooooo tired.

And sort of bummed.

Some things are disappointing.

The lake!

They always upload backwards so, sorry about that. I have to defend Scott's dignity here and let everyone know that he's only wearing the 'best dad' shirt because I bought it for him behind his back and pretty much forced him to wear it.

Life has been different, but sort of the same at the same time.

Scott's working late today and I feel really, really lonely. Being stuck at home all day with Walter, by myself, makes me feel more alone than actually being alone.

The pregnancy is going smoothly (as far as I know), and I'm almost halfway through it!

We spent a good portion of the weekend out fishing.. and there will be pictures of the adventure coming soon!

I hardly ever drink soda, especially caffeine ones, so when I DO drink one (like right now), it makes me feel like I'm on crack.

OH and Walter is officially weaned from the bottle!

AND he sleeps in his big boy bed like a champ!

Scott made a chore chart...

and some sort of contract.

Both are very intimidating, but I'm also excited about them. Obviously, I'm not excited about not abiding by either of them.. but I'm excited for this new, strange turn of events.

Things are beautiful today.

We went to the Colorado Renaissance festival yesterday in Larkspur. It was fun, but boy am I sore from it today!

SO much uphill walking, haha. I'm such a bum.

Sadly, Scott forgot the camera in the car.. and neither of us realized it until we were at the gate.. which was about a 20 minute walk from where we parked.

Needless to say, we didn't get any pictures. =(

And last night held no special things to it, either. I was so tired I went to bed before it was even 8:30!

But I did manage to 'get' Scott, and buy him a present behind his back.. store it at a friends house, and they specially delivered it the night before Father's day.. at about 11:30 at night!

He was sleeping, but got up to use the bathroom when they dropped it off. As soon as he came out of the bathroom I said,
'Baby!! I think someone just knocked on the door!'

He was like, 'WHAT?! At this time? Go answer it!'

I played innocent and scared and said, 'Nooo.. you do it!' and threw his pants at him.

He asked me if I thought it was the boogie man or something, and I couldn't come up with anything good... so I said, 'Maybe it's the cable guy coming to shut off our cable!'

Haha. He thought I was retarded, until he opened the door and saw his Father's day bag sitting on the front porch. He didn't have his glasses on, and he's not good with love and cheese... so he said 'someone left their garbage on our porch!'

Haha.

I got him a big box of candy bars, and a big talking card. He liked it a lot, and I think it made him feel really special.

I love him a lot, and he's the best dad EVER. I wish I could've done more for him, but I think he really enjoyed the little things that I did do.

<3

Today.

They are crappy cell phone pics, but this was done with a USB cord.

Let me just say..

OUCH!

There are two sites that I'm new to, and they sure have been consuming a lot of my internet time. I love them!

I'll spare you the details and you can go to them yourselves and figure out just what the purpose is:

http://www.spankolife.com

&

http://omegle.com/

We talked, as usual, and things are fine. I guess we are just sort of newly weds that have to go through the motions of getting to know each other and getting passed the dumb shit.

He has a physical therapy appointment tomorrow that will help determine whether he'll deploy this month or not.

But now there are other things that may or may not determine his deployment. They think he may have two detached retinas, and he also has a large bump on his head that is continuing to grow and cause him constant headaches. He got a CT scan the other night, but we probably won't get the results until early next week.

We sort of discussed (more like I talked and his sort of listened and then disagreed) the domestic discipline aspect of our relationship, and whether or not it's working for us. I know it is, but at the same time the whole learning thing and getting used to it and everything sure is taking a long time. It just seems like more work than he is willing to do, and it's a total let down for me.

I know I'm a brat sometimes (most of the time), and I don't always make it easy.. but I really do try. I started seeing a psychologist and have really been focused on my temper and wayward ways.

That aspect of our relationship is really, really good and it helps a lot, and it totally works... when it's consistent. But that's the problem...

It's not always consistent. It goes good and stays strong for a week, my behavior changes and I'm a perfect angel.. and then he lets everything slide and kind of just.. forgets the commitment we both made to it. It's sort of disappointing I guess, and sometimes I feel let down.

I don't know how to say this to him at the time, because I am SO grateful to not have to be disciplined.. but way in the back of my mind I'm really sad about it.

I guess my inner child doesn't comprehend all of it and takes it as not being loved, or something.

I'm not sure. We talked about it though, and he said that he's going to change. He said he's going to give it the time, effort, and work that it deserves.

So.. we'll see.

I hope so..

... sort of.

We're having problems. I guess that's normal this close to a deployment, but I guess I'm just sick of putting up with stuff.

I know he is sick of things I do (or don't do), but we have established that our communication should be open and flowing and there are things he can do to REALLY let me know that he isn't liking something, if that's the case.

Today I yelled at him. I've been REALLY good about my temper and it made me mad that I had to get to that point. I wasn't even super mad, I was just fed up and he WAS NOT listening. Now everything is all sad and tense and it's just stupid.

I wish he would just talk to me about things that make him unhappy. I almost want to go on a completely DO ABSOLUTELY NOTHING streak, just to get him to freakin' talk. We have one baby, and another on the way.. we're married, we live together.. and the man STILL has trouble talking to me about things.

I have trouble talking about stuff, too. But I try. I know it's probably not AS easy for him, but I'm just having trouble with it.

Everyday he comes home and wants to rush off and go fishing. That's fine... once in a while. But it's really an everyday thing, and it makes me so sad. I spent ALL day yesterday telling him how much I was missing him. I sent him loving text messages, made him a delicious lunch and dinner.. and the first thing he says when he comes home is 'Okay, i'm going fishing now!'

Which means.. he's going fishing (which yesterday he got home at 3:30 ish.), and he's not coming back until 8:30 or 9:00. I told him that I missed him! I said "how are you going to rush off to go fishing when I've been telling you all day how much I miss you?!"

And he wonders why I never want to pain myself and give him a blowjob.

AND on top of it all, he calls me a stupid fucking bitch whenever I get upset.

Yeah, I have a WONDERFUL HOH.

God, I am so pissed at life.

I got a spanking the other night because I decided that not calling my job and letting them figure out that I quit, was smarter and nicer than a courtesy call.

I found that I was wrong, and have decided to never do that again.

Look!

These are pictures of the ten week old monkey. I'm about 15 weeks along now so obviously it looks more human than monkey now, but these are still neat. It's one of those things where you sort of have to stare at it and then it will eventually pop out at you.. haha. The baby is on its back and its a profile shot.

In about five weeks I'll have another and this one will be to tell the sex!

So exciting!

Things are better.

I got a spanking last night with the paddle. I was feeling SO sensitive to the pain and it was a lot to take, even though it wasn't that much.

It was followed by some much needed intimacy, and now things are back to normal.

I'm glad. =)

I feel like we've lost that closeness we've had for the past week or so, again. It seems to just come and go. I want to blame it all on me, as usual, but I can't help but wonder if I'm all the way to blame.

I've had a day or two where I've been grumpy, but the rest of the time I've been super loving. I gave him foot massages and made his favorite food ever for dinner, and just nice things like that. I've been going out of my way to make him feel special, and the more I do that.. the more grumpy and mean he gets. I feel like the only time he's happy is when I'm trampling over him, and then he gets sick of it and decides I suck, and that it's okay to be loose with his mouth. He laughs at me when I say 'I worked today!'. Like my job doesn't count because he's a soldier and I work a part time fast food job.

Every time I try to talk to him about this stuff it always ends up that I'M the crazy one and that I don't know what I'm talking about. If I FINALLY get him to actual listen to what I'm saying and take consideration of it, then it's just 'I'm sorry.' He doesn't really care, he doesn't really regard it, and he doesn't try to change it.

It's always just all my fault. I've taken the blame for a lot of our relationship issues that we've ever had, and I think maybe he's just a little too used to being able to make ME feel like the bad guy.

If I ever eventually embed it into his mind that it's not JUST me, he turns into this sad little puppy and just constantly talks about what a horrible father he is and what a crappy husband he is. He just says 'I'm sorry I'm such a piece of shit. I'll be better.'

And then the next day it's the same shit ALL over again. I'm just SO sick of it and have no idea what to do! The last time he made a complaint about how rude or mean I had been I fought it a little, because I was going out of my way to be nice that time.. but I sincerely considered it and decided that he IS the HOH and if he felt that that's how I had been acting, then I probably had been.

I apologized and immediately changed. I just.. I just don't know what to do. He doesn't ever want to talk about his feelings, and the moment he opens up it turns out that I'm the cause of everything and that I just don't do anything right.

Well, I've been trying.

What could his excuse be now?

Soo.... here goes.

Today I was just feeling sort of.. I dunno, icky. There were all sorts of factors that threw me off a bit, and they all worked together to earn me a spanking.

It's been like two weeks at least since I've had my last spanking and, for some reason, when I go a length of time (as small as it may be) without, my bottom becomes more and more sensitive. I was crying after like five seconds.

I love spanking and I love being spanked, but there's a HUGE difference for me when it's punishment or discipline, and a lot of emotions come out. With Scott, I've grown so attached to him that when I disappoint him, or give him reasons to have to discipline me.. it hurts me inside.

It's sort of weird how that all works.

But I'm really loving it, a lot. The loving really outshines the actual discipline at this point in our journey, and it's really great.

Today wasn't TOO bad. It was okay. My feet are throbbing, but I don't have to work again until Friday!! Yay!

I've been really good, and we've been communicating well. Things have been more on the intimate side rather the discipline side around here, and It's nice. I feel really submissive, even without having been spanked in quite a while.

It's a really special feeling.

Work today.

=(

I called in sick today. I've just been having it come out one end and then out the other all night, and all morning. The vomiting just started this morning, and hopefully it stays with this morning. If it gets to be too much, I'll have to see the doctor (ick.).

On the other side of the coin, I think I'm going to apply at Pizza Hut.. and ditch Charley's.

I hate my job.

On the serious serious serious side.