How it all started?

Here's a little about me that a lot of people don't know..

I'm 20, and I'm a spanko. Point blank.

I'm submissive in my marriage, but in reality.. not really at all. I'm a lost little girl looking to find her way through life.. some way, some how. The easiest way, probably.

When I met Scott there was something about him that I didn't see in all the other boys.


Scott was a man. I was a new found woman. I was barely 18 and had just lost my grandma. My mom set it up so that she died while I held her hand. I think about it all the time. Sometimes I think she overdosed her with morphine. Actually, I'm pretty sure she did. I've heard her say things about it, and she told me later on that she knew Grandma was going to die.. and she sent me in there so she wouldn't be alone.

I've been to about 11 funerals since I was 12, and I've never been to one that was closed casket.

I don't know why I'm ranting on about that.. it's just something that has really changed me. I turned into a different person after my Grandmother died.

When I was five, my cousin was four (a boy cousin), and we were at my house being baby sat by a young family friend. He was like a brother of a family friend that had (and has) been around forever. He's gay, always has been, and was probably around 17 or 18 at the time, give or take a few years.

I don't know what we did, or my cousin (I should say), but I know our baby sitter was mad. He took my cousin into a room and placed him ever so carefully across his lap. Down came his pants, and I stood there.. in the door way. I was frightened, spankings always made me so scared. The baby sitter looked at me as he gently rubbed my cousins behind, and warned me that I was next if I misbehaved at all.

He would swat, hard, then rub. After a few swats my mind goes black. I don't remember anything but that. Sometimes I have nightmares and flashes of it comes back. Sometimes I daydream and I see a little, too.

I've always had a tickle in my stomach when I thought about it... as I'm pretty sure I witnessed my cousin being molested. Sometimes I'm not sure if it's just my imagination making up things, but I just know that there's a knot in my stomach every time I think about it.

I realized, not too long ago, that this is probably where my interest in spanking began. It was always a subject of fascination.. it gave me that weird knot in my stomach whenever I heard the word, or overheard a few swats at a friend or family member's house.

When my mother grabbed me by my upper arm to take a swat at my behind, or when she'd carefully pull me across her lap, I'd scream and cry. It scared the shit out of me. It was the most uncomfortable feeling in the world.

I didn't dislike it the way a kid is supposed to dislike a spanking, I disliked it the way a kid dislikes being molested.

I feared it, loathed it, and it always brought me back to that dark place... but I never knew or realized that.

I never realized that my interest in spanking or the desire to have so done to me by a strange, older man, was in any way harmful.

I always turned it into something great. It gave me that rush, like the first time you try meth. It hurt my heart and pushed it to the back of my throat.

It just did, and does, something to me.

I never thought about where it came from.. until recently.

I want to be submissive, I want to be a better person.

I want to be something I've never been..

But I'm just too stubborn and lazy to properly act on it, or follow through with it.

It's so hard.. it's so hard.

And most of the time I feel like I'm doing it alone.

Answer me this question, please:

Is it true that all happy housewives... are medicated?


  1. 'Is it true that all happy housewives .... are medicated?'

    No.....not in my experience.

    love and hugs xxx

  2. Naomi....have you ever had counseling? I know it sounds so cliche....but your feelings are definitely intermingled with some very emotionally hurtful things that you experienced. I know this - because I have experienced some of those things too. You might find out some really cool things that would help answer some questions for you.

    Did you ever finish your classes by the way? Might give you something to look forward too...I know its so hard being in a new place where your husband is busy all the time and you are trying to make friends....been there doll. I hope you are meeting some of the other moms. I know it feels like the government is intruding in your life living on base...but there can also be this amazing feeling of oneness and family as you get to know the other moms.

    Big hugs...


  3. I've considered counseling... they would PROBABLY put me on something, though. That's why I asked the question. EVERY housewife I know, especially the army ones, are on anti-depressants of sorts. And they're happy.. and they told me I should get on them, too.

    I'm really iffy about it but.. that's just why I inquired.

    I've met one army wife, and my neighbors.. I'm not liking my neighbors too much. The one army wife doesn't have kids, but wants them and is trying to get pregnant.. (Can you say.. retarded? The boys are deploying in less than two months.)

    I don't like army wives. I'm sure I could meet a cool one, but, we're all the same deep down inside. Stupid, desperate, dramatic, and female. I can be gossipy and all into the drama, too, don't get me wrong.. but, it's that part of me that I want to avoid.

    And to avoid it.. I need to avoid it.

    I don't know what I want.

  4. As for the counseling Barb suggested, I think it sounds like a good idea! You could really benefit from it. & you DON'T need to be medicated. That is YOUR choice & NO ONE else's. They can SUGGEST it, but that's it. That's the difference between a psychologist & a psychiatrist.

    I hate it where you are too, because it's where I'm not. I miss you more & more each day. :( Life is very, very different without you here.

  5. Naomi, I hate that you have been through so much sadness and are feeling the way you feel at such a young age. I have more to say about the counseling and medication, but my husband just popped on, and him being in the military... you know how it is, you take what you can get! I am here and listening. And I have to say a hearty THANK YOU! for showing me how to shave my KITTY - I am MORE than twice your age and have never been talked to about it before. Thank you, Cleo

  6. thank you for writing in my wifes blog it is hard submissive my wife struggles and feels alone becuase im not nearby but you can do it good luck

  7. Admittedly, I'm not well versed on your relationship or where you are in life right now. However, I have been in and out of therapy several times throughout my life so far. If you don't want to go on meds, you certainly don't have to. If a therapist tries to press it on you, change therapists. I was always reluctant because I was afraid that I would become dependent on them for the rest of my life. I know that it's not always the case, but it was a fear of mine. My therapist didn't have a problem with that.

    If they feel that they can't work with you unless you're on meds, then they'll just send you to a different person to work with. Don't let meds be the part that stops you from seeking therapy if you feel you need it. You can find help and guidance through your feelings without meds, and I think you'd be rather surprised by just how much you'll learn about yourself through therapy.