I really miss Colin Raye.
(Like.. 90's Colin Raye)



And I really feel like I say and do all the wrong things in every recent situation.

Funky.

I was really in a funk for a second there.

I can't lie and say it hasn't been really hard to adjust, and I won't lie and say that I'm totally adjusted.

But.. I'm better. I'm happier. The house is cleaner.

Everything just makes more sense. I'm really worried for May.. it gets closer and closer everyday.

But I'm just trying to stay positive and hopeful.

We have a 'marriage retreat' coming up this weekend, paid for by the army.

I'm sort of excited.

Picture post!

Scott's brother came down with his family about two weeks ago. It was a long, busy, but super fun weekend. We got pictures done together, as well as knocked out the task of getting Walter's 1 year portraits done.

Well.. I figured out the scanner, so.. here they are.. properly edited, of course.

**This is my personal favorite**

It's Thursday!

It's a clicky one!

One thing;

I knew this woman who completely exploited me, with total disregard of everything it could lead to.
I knew her for a long time, and during all my crucial stages in my teen aged years.

We were close, and told each other all of our deep, dark secrets.

She was always pegged on being right. No matter what, she could make ANYBODY run with their tail between their legs as she spat out useless information in a way that made her seem intelligent.

She had no confidence and was completely shocked when people reacted the way they did... but it gave her a rush, so she did it ALL the time.

Well... one day it came down to me.

Little.... old... me.

I wasn't afraid of her, so I shot back. All she came at me with were poisoned daggers that she shot at me with her tongue.

I never really insulted her, and that bothered her. I kept my cool, and she eventually got so mad because she felt.. 'defeated', that she exploited me.

The next step down from insults is secret telling.

You know what the funny thing is?

The one thing that bothers me more than any other thing that's happened between her and I..

The one thing that I left the relationship still feeling embarrassed about..

Is the fact that I got drunk with her.. and gave her an example of the way Scott and I do our lovey dovey talk...

God...

It's so embarrassing.

Shots.

I had to take my little shmee to get shots today. He got four.

I seriously don't know HOW mom's walk out of there without tears rolling down their faces. It hurts me ten thousand times worse than him, and it breaks my heart into thousands of little tiny peices. Maybe I just suck at this motherhood shit, but sucking it up and just dealing with it is not an option.

I felt like punching the doctor in the face for JABBING him with the needle.. they pinch the skin and just JAB.

They are WAAAYY nicer to adults.

It's a total injustice to babies everywhere.

And to the mom's who have to sit and watch.

=(

How it all started?

Here's a little about me that a lot of people don't know..

I'm 20, and I'm a spanko. Point blank.

I'm submissive in my marriage, but in reality.. not really at all. I'm a lost little girl looking to find her way through life.. some way, some how. The easiest way, probably.

When I met Scott there was something about him that I didn't see in all the other boys.

Boys...

Scott was a man. I was a new found woman. I was barely 18 and had just lost my grandma. My mom set it up so that she died while I held her hand. I think about it all the time. Sometimes I think she overdosed her with morphine. Actually, I'm pretty sure she did. I've heard her say things about it, and she told me later on that she knew Grandma was going to die.. and she sent me in there so she wouldn't be alone.

I've been to about 11 funerals since I was 12, and I've never been to one that was closed casket.

I don't know why I'm ranting on about that.. it's just something that has really changed me. I turned into a different person after my Grandmother died.

When I was five, my cousin was four (a boy cousin), and we were at my house being baby sat by a young family friend. He was like a brother of a family friend that had (and has) been around forever. He's gay, always has been, and was probably around 17 or 18 at the time, give or take a few years.

I don't know what we did, or my cousin (I should say), but I know our baby sitter was mad. He took my cousin into a room and placed him ever so carefully across his lap. Down came his pants, and I stood there.. in the door way. I was frightened, spankings always made me so scared. The baby sitter looked at me as he gently rubbed my cousins behind, and warned me that I was next if I misbehaved at all.

He would swat, hard, then rub. After a few swats my mind goes black. I don't remember anything but that. Sometimes I have nightmares and flashes of it comes back. Sometimes I daydream and I see a little, too.

I've always had a tickle in my stomach when I thought about it... as I'm pretty sure I witnessed my cousin being molested. Sometimes I'm not sure if it's just my imagination making up things, but I just know that there's a knot in my stomach every time I think about it.

I realized, not too long ago, that this is probably where my interest in spanking began. It was always a subject of fascination.. it gave me that weird knot in my stomach whenever I heard the word, or overheard a few swats at a friend or family member's house.

When my mother grabbed me by my upper arm to take a swat at my behind, or when she'd carefully pull me across her lap, I'd scream and cry. It scared the shit out of me. It was the most uncomfortable feeling in the world.

I didn't dislike it the way a kid is supposed to dislike a spanking, I disliked it the way a kid dislikes being molested.

I feared it, loathed it, and it always brought me back to that dark place... but I never knew or realized that.

I never realized that my interest in spanking or the desire to have so done to me by a strange, older man, was in any way harmful.

I always turned it into something great. It gave me that rush, like the first time you try meth. It hurt my heart and pushed it to the back of my throat.

It just did, and does, something to me.

I never thought about where it came from.. until recently.

I want to be submissive, I want to be a better person.

I want to be something I've never been..

But I'm just too stubborn and lazy to properly act on it, or follow through with it.

It's so hard.. it's so hard.

And most of the time I feel like I'm doing it alone.

Answer me this question, please:

Is it true that all happy housewives... are medicated?

Oh... and HNT?

It's one of those clicky ones.

Picture post.

The view from our front porch.

Walter playing outside.

The ride up here.. Charley decided he was lonely and wanted to share Walter's car seat with him.

Scott... at the gas station we got stuck at because it was snowing so bad.

One of the stops we made to sleep.. but instead.. we fucked.

He was freezing. Haha.

A stop to stretch and eat.

Mesquite.. we're both sort of retarded..

Walter at our very first stop.

I'm baaaaccckk!!

I moved. I'm here in my house on this military base. It's strange, REALLY strange, and taking A LOT of adjusting. I never see Scott, and when I do he's basically dead inside. It's getting easier but it's still really hard. Walter loves it here, and I'm really enjoying having our own place.

I miss my mom, a lot, but I guess that's supposed to get easier, too.

Regarding all the old blogs.. with all the drama or whatever: You can't know me from my blogs. You get a peice of me, from what's on the inside.. but what you get is a lot different than what everyone in the real world gets. Yes, I say on here what I hold inside in the real world.. but I hold out on the stuff I say in the real world.

Scott and I have a beautiful marriage. I've met a ton of wives already, some of whom are younger.. some older.. some have been married a long time.. some have been married just as short as Scott and I.

And I look at them and want to slap them upside the head. The way they talk about their husbands and how little they do. The things they say they say to their husbands.. I've been guilty of some things, but I can tell Scott and I will be okay. I understand him, and he understands me. No matter what kind of funk we are in, we know how to get eachother out of it. We know the right spots to touch, the right words to say..

We always remind one another that it's important to try just as hard as we did when we first met.. and we do.

You don't see us.. you don't know us.. you especially don't know him..

So if you're reading my blog, and you enjoy it, and you want to chime in and leave me a comment and tell me some advice...

Just remember that you don't know my marriage, so you have no right to doom it's future.

That's all I ask.