4 A.M.

I was having a very open moment with Scott.
I have a very serious and very real discipline session coming up... tomorrow. I'm nervous, and I wanted to talk to him about it.
I just wanted him to talk to me about how he felt (again), and why he felt I needed the discipline. I wanted reassurance, without the distraction of being bent over with my pants around my ankles. I wanted to be able to answer questions without worrying whether or not the question would make it worse. I wanted to be able to talk freely, and openly, without the pressure and the anxiousness that comes with the scolding before a long, hard spanking.

This is the first REAL discipline spanking I'll be receiving from him in a long LONG time. There have been discipline spankings for minor things, and we even had an introductory type spanking when he first got back from basic... but, to me, this is different.

I don't know why it's different. It's just so.. real. He is really going to discipline me. It's not fun, there will be no boner poking my leg, I'm not going to whine all cute like and pretend his little swats hurt. No. It's going to be real, it's going to hurt, and it's going to make me cry.

I'm going to have to come face to face with the emotions I keep so deeply buried inside my soul. I'm going to have to feel, and I'm going to have to step up and be responsible and accept what I have coming. I have to realize and consider. I have to understand and appreciate. I have to respect and obey.

These are habits that become broken when he leaves for long OR short periods of time.

So.. I'm nervous.

He was tired.
I understood.
I really wanted to talk about it but.. he kept falling asleep. I will admit I was a little sad and hurt, because the openness (on my part) doesn't come that often. I just wanted to take the opportunity to just be raw, and I guess I kind of felt rejected.

I got over it.. he was exhausted... so I decided I would attempt sleep, too.

After some failed attempts at a before-bed-quickie... he starts snoring. I elbow him lightly a few times until he mumbles 'what?'

'Can you stop snoring, please?'

'SHUT THE FUCK UP' he yells.


'SHUT THE FUCK UP, BITCH,' he yells, again.

I didn't understand. I got upset and responded in a pretty snooty tone.

He grabbed me and pinned me on my side and started smacking my ass harder than he ever has.

That was the beginning of about a two hour thing. I cried, I kicked, I begged for him to stop. He was out of it.
I was scared. He was sleep-walking.. or whatever you call it (he wasn't technically walking, but.. I don't know what else to call it.) I was afraid to try and shake him awake.

He kept going in and out of sleep.. but waking up at random times doing the same thing.

Then he said 'we're going to continue this tomorrow.. understand me?'

I didn't say anything.

'I want an answer! I don't know how you guys do it here, but in Carson you treat me with respect as a fellow soldier...'

He made no sense, what-so-fucking-ever.

I was upset and crying, and after a few minutes he started rubbing my back.

He asked what was wrong and I told him everything that had just happened.

He didn't know what I was talking about..

I can't sleep.

I think I'm going to go to Anthony's... just to clear my head.

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