I have to go to work tomorrow!

Waaahhhh!!

Kill me.

NOW.

I started work today.

Pretty soon I'll be a pro at asking people if they want mayo, lettuce, or tomatoes.

My job sucks, and my feet are killing me!

Can you say, HELLO pretty decent money, though?

I can.

So.. the issue hasn't really been addressed. I apologized, though.

It isn't really the time to address it. I mean, he might still.. as soon as I'm done with this I'm going to join him in bed, so I'm not completely sure.

I just know that today is a sad day, and tomorrow will be even more sad. A lot of our friends are leaving tomorrow. I'm actually driving one of them and his wife to the drop off, because she said she's not going to be able to drive home.

I've been really emotional about it all day. Scott said that people will be lost during this tour. It's inevitable. He said he's pretty sure he'll lose some buddies of his, and it just breaks my heart.

As I prepare myself for the day he leaves, I can't help but feel like tomorrow is the day he's leaving. All of these men represent him, and all of the wives represent me. Their pain is stabbing at my heart and it's just breaking.

I feel like most people I know don't understand. And I guess they don't. If I were in their shoes I wouldn't understand, either. It's just one of those things that you have to experience to feel it.

I haven't fully experienced it, but I'm hurting. Please keep the troops in your mind, heart, and prayers. The war in Afghanistan is called 'the forgotten war'. Everyone focuses on Iraq, and that's not where it's all at.

At all.

Our men are fighting for the freedom of innocent people they don't even know. People who don't even share the same country as them. Some people (I used to be one of them) say 'who cares about those people!?'

Well.. we do. They do. I do. Our military does.

It's like people who immunize and feed starving kids in foreign countries. It's the same thing.

But it's more than that. It takes an army, a military, to fight this. To save these people, it takes death. It takes fighting. It takes battle.

But we're doing it.

Please appreciate the soldiers who put their lives on the line everyday. Just like fire fighters, police men, and missionaries who go to third world countries to help the weak.

They really are heroes.

I'm a bad, bad girl.

I spare you the ugly details of which caused my badness, but I'll at least share with you the even uglier details of my sheer misbehavior.

Scott and I had clashing appointments, and only one phone. I took the phone, and the car, and dropped him off where he needed to be. I finished earlier than expected (and apparently so did he) so I went to where he was to wait for him. I called the place where he was and they said he had already left.

So after about 20 minutes of running around like a chicken with my head cut off, I started crying.. and became frantic. Then I just became plain pissed off. I drove off and headed to where Walter was with the thought that Scott could just walk home.

I saw him on my drive home, walking, and became even MORE angry. I honked and honked and honked until he turned around. Then I stuck my hand out the window, gave him the finger, and yelled 'WALK HOME BITCH!!'

Yikes.

I was just SO mad, he was confused. I drove off and went to pick up Walter, and then decided that the walk was sort of long and that I should go get him. After all, I DO love him and stuff.

So I drove around looking for him, never to actually find him, and ended up going home.. where he was waiting for me (I had the house keys), and he was also very irritated.

He had to change into ACU's and rush out the door to see some guys off, but we haven't really discussed it. I was partially in the right, at least for being mad.. but saying the mean things I said and then not picking him up and talking to him was definitely WRONG.

I honestly don't think I'll be in trouble for it, but you never know. He is full of surprises!

I was angry at the miscommunication. We had 1 phone, and I was the one that had it. He didn't call me, he didn't wait for me, and when he decided to start walking.. I was actually sitting in the parking lot waiting for him! It made me mad that we decided that he would call me and I would pick him up, and he went against that and decided to do something else. I was so worried, and humiliated.. and I guess it got the better of me.

What he did was dumb, but what I did was wrong. I feel really bad about it, which is why I'm sharing it here. We all make mistakes, our tempers get the best of all of us.. and I'm no different.

We'll see what happens.

I'll update later with the details.

By next Monday a big huge chunk of soldiers from here will be gone. Some have already left, the majority start shipping out on Tuesday, then Thursday, and again on Saturday.

Keep them in your thoughts and prayers.

Scott's not joining them until just a tiny, tiny bit later (because of his shoulder injury). So thank god I'm not saying my goodbyes to him just yet.

I'm seeking advice, so pleeassee share your thoughts with me on this one, ALL OF YOU!!

I'm seeing my psychologist for the first time tomorrow. It's been a long time since I've seen one of these and I can hardly even remember how it goes. I know it's a lot of poking and prodding and trying to figure my brain out, and then help my brain be a better brain. Or something like that.

The one thing that I'm mostly nervous about (aside from spilling my inner most secret guts to a stranger), is telling him about my domestic discipline lifestyle that I share with my husband. It's not like a problem or anything, but it's just a big part of our lives. I know I don't blog too much about it here, unlike many many other people, but it really is a part of my every day life. I'm spanked a few times a week, well.. that depends on the week I guess. Sometimes I go weeks without it! But what I'm saying is, it COULD happen on any given day.

I'm just confused, and a little bit nervous, about how to bring it up.. or even just tell him about it.
Has anyone ever had any experience in this area? I know it's not a huge deal and he'll probably just be like 'whatever' about it.. but, I'm still a little nervous. I guess I'd just like some reassurance, and perhaps some advice, or a story from someone that has gone through something similar before.

Please share your thoughts! Any and all of you!

I had a lot of bad dreams last night. It's pretty often that this happens, but over the past few nights they have been really seldom.. so I guess I was holding out hope.

But last night I was awoken quite a few times from having yet another nightmare. The main one that stirred me a lot was a dream that I was killing a man. I slit his throat and drained the blood from him before I dumped the body. I've seen this man a lot in my dreams, but never before in person. I've killed him in a lot of different places, but always the same way. I slit his throat, and then drain his blood so that the person that finds him doesn't have to find SUCH a gory mess.

A considerate killer? I couldn't imagine actually doing it in real life, and I don't understand why in my dreams I slit throats like it's nothing. The dreams are not fake like most dreams. Over time mine have become more and more matching to reality. This one was no exception.

His blood was thick and warm, like in real life. A lot of it spilled. His veins popped and he gurgled a lot as he lay there and die. The whole dream was so specific and every movement I made was so clever, and well thought out.

It was as if I'd gotten away with murder before. I knew exactly what I was doing.

I forgot to mention Walter, and the fact that his nose has been filled with boogers lately.

Quite a few times a day he decides he doesn't like what's inside of there, so he stands there and picks it. He sticks his little finger and thumb up there and digs around until he finds something, small or big..

When he first started it, he would walk over the Scott and say "Da-da," as he extended his hand out to hand his dad his booger.

Now he does it to me, also. He also says, "da-da," to me as he hands me his boogers.

I don't know where he learned it.

We never asked for his boogers.

Maybe he's proud or something. Haha.

I have a new appointment with a different doctor on Thursday. The reason for the cancellation and all of that is really complicated, so we'll just leave it at that.

On a different note, my depression (among other things) has really turned the house upside down. It's basically trashed, and none of us like it. Like I said in a previous post, we are both fairly lazy when it comes to housework.. but I had just completely thrown my hands up and said 'Fuck it!' I guess I was trying to prove a point, or make a statement.. or just completely getting out of doing ANY housework for the past three or so weeks.

I know, I know. I'm horrible! But, we talked about it.. a lot.. the other night. I do have trouble finding where to start. I'm not self motivated, or self disciplined, enough to really just start. It's discouraging to start and after an hour.. I feel like I haven't even put a dent in anything.

So.. Scott tells me last night that tomorrow (today) I'll be doing the dishes (which is about every dish we have in the house).

I said "Uugghhh, I don't really want to."

And he said, "well, you can always find out what will happen if you don't."

My response? "I don't really want to do that, either."

As he rolled away to go to sleep he said, "let me know how that works out for you."

I turned to my side to get comfortable and sort of mumbled, "I don't really think it will."

So, that's the new system. I know it sounds dumb, or maybe even childish.. but it will work, and that's what's important.

He gives me a chore to do, and I do it.... or else.

Appointment=Cancelled.

Life is discouraging.

Today I'm taking a huge step and seeing a psycho doctor. My appointment is at three. It's 12:30, and scott isn't home for lunch yet. Which is odd. This is usually the time he leaves to go back! So I'm starting to worry that I'm not going to be able to make it.

It's really, really, REALLY frustrating.. and I want to be mad at him, but I know it's not his fault.

Fuck.

Today we were out eating lunch together, as a family. I told Scott three things I wanted, and told him to choose for me, and he did.

When our food came out to our table, the lady asked if we wanted fresh grated cheese (we were at the Olive Garden), and, for some reason, I looked at Scott as if he was supposed to answer the question for me. He nodded, and I said "yes, please," to the lady.

I sort of thought about it later and realized how odd it may have looked to the lady. I realize this type of thing happens between us all the time. I just never really noticed it, I guess.

Maybe it just comes naturally with the lifestyle we live and love.

AHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Woah is life.

This song.. makes me feel sooo sad for every military wife there ever was.

I know I'm a military wife.. but none of it is real yet. I'm a virgin to deployment, and I'm holding on to a lot of useless hope.

But.. this is their greatest fear.. and I'm dreading the day it has to become mine.

It's such a great song.

Sorry.

I mostly feel like a waste of space or something. I feel like I can't achieve anything, and lately I've been spending way too much time regretting my past. Regret is something I never wanted to have, and I've been fighting it all these years.

But as I sit here waiting to start my new job, at a fast food joint, I realize that is all I'll ever be able to do. All I will ever be able to provide is minimum wage, flipping burgers.

I messed up by not finishing school, and I want SO badly to be mad at my parents for not being more on my ass.. for not loving me enough to push me to be the best, for just giving up on me when I needed them to be parents the most.

But I can't. It's my fault. I am me, and I should have been able to make better decisions.

The saddest thing about all of this is that I've been trying hard to find some where to finish my diploma. I don't want a GED, although I feel I might have to settle. I want my diploma. I want to be normal, and right. I want my kids to see it and say 'my mommy graduated high school.' Not, 'my mommy dropped out of high school and took this test and got a GED.'

It's just a big difference for me. (No offense at all to those of you with GED's. You're probably doing better than I am.) I just want my kids to know that even though I dropped out, I went back and did ALL of the work, and still managed to graduate. I want them to know that they need to graduate to be successful, and I don't want them to have to learn that by seeing my mistakes. I want them to see my success, not my failures, and learn from it.

Hopefully fat lips aren't going to become a routine thing, because if it does.. I really will have no way out, because I won't be able to support my kids alone.

I'm still really sad today.

Ahh!

Mama got a job!

At a dumb fast food joint.

Haha, it's okay. It's a temorary job, and it's money! Which we need!

So it's aaaaaaaaallllllllllll good.

I don't know why this is the first time I'm truly hearing this? I've heard the song, and I've probably heard it with the messages from home.. but I guess this is the first time I'm REALLY hearing it.

Now that I can sort of relate. Everytime I hear it it makes me cry. It's so beautiful.

Spanking and pregnancy.

A lot of people choose to stop spanking when they're pregnant, some are apprehensive, and others don't want to stop.. but their significant other's do.

Personally, I am still very well spanked. I never really type much here about it, although once in a while I do. But it's a very real thing in my life. I don't like putting my emotions and my heart out there to display for people who might only just get off on it. I talk to people personally about it, and I answer any and every question thrown at me.

However I just don't feel comfortable writing every time I get spanked.

Scott and I do have a DD relationship, and have for almost two years now. It's a wonderful thing. I don't top from the bottom (anymore), and I (almost) always accept my fate. He decides when, how, with what, and what for.. and I simply oblige.

We don't really 'play', however we have been known a time or two to use it more as foreplay. We don't confuse discipline with sex, and sex rarely happens after a serious discipline session.

I'm around 11 weeks pregnant, and don't plan to stop being spanked. If he deploys I'm not going to find a disciplinarian (like when he was in basic training), I guess I just don't feel comfortable having another man doing that while I'm carrying Scott's child. Weird, I know.

But that's okay. With Walter, I was spanked until I was 9 months pregnant! He doesn't beat the crap out of me, and we both make sure he doesn't hit too high.

As long as he keeps the swats to the bottom of my bottom, and my upper thighs (yikes), we both feel safe.

Well, that's all I have to say.. for now.

I found this cool site! It's where I made that stick family up there ^, and where I made all these neat things:














You can do these things and much, MUCH more at Widdly Tinks

The rest of the pictures.

Nothing makes me feel better than editing the millions of pictures I took on our outing today.
<3

There's a ton more, but only being able to upload five of these huge suckers at a time really bites... so I'll add more later.

Hope you enjoy.

*is pissed*

Parents as Teachers is this program where a trained educator comes to your house and goes over the things your child should be doing, activity wise. She gives you new things to do together and tells you how wonderful you're doing at this whole mom thing.

It's amazing. And it's FREE!




I feel so blessed.. I know a lot of people didn't have this sort of thing when their kids were little.







It's just great. She came over today for an hour, played with Walter and we talked about different things and she answered questions I had.

It was exciting.

She's also the first new person to come into my house.. almost since we've moved here! The company was amazing.

I never realized how lonely I am.







(Picture dump)

There's a new channel on the music channels called 'Toddler Tunes'.

And being the wonderful mother that I am..

we listen to it.

A lot.

My brain is rotting.

If I hear the Hokey Pokey (in any of its various forms) one more time, I might just keel over and die.

I'd change the station, but it's just so cute how Walter wobbles back and forth with a cheesy grin on his face.. in his strange attempt at dancing.

Awww.

Speaking of Walter.. here's some pictures I've taken of him in the past few days:

I don't know what to write about! I've been drawing blanks for days.

I got sick for the first time a few nights ago (Scott over seasoned dinner and it all came right back up, haha.), but ever since then I've been okay.

I woke up at 2 a.m. last night with a horrible burning sensation in my chest and stomach, like indigestion or heart burn or something. I don't know. It was the worst feeling ever and even though it's subsided I still feel really icky in there.

But I guess it's better than having tons of morning sickness.

That's all, really. I don't know what else to write about. Nothing is happening around here, and everything is just the same.

So..

Ta-ta for now, I guess.

<3

Tonight.

I haven't really considered the fact that Scott is most likely going to Afghanistan in less than a month. Maybe a little more than a month, it's not set in stone yet.

Today there was this weird helicopter thing flying over me. It looked like a big metal box, indestructible, and it had two of those propeller things on top instead of just one. It flew slowly, but it was ridiculously loud. It made my heart sink into my stomach.

I was wondering if there were men on the plane, or just cargo. I was thinking about all of the wives who's husbands could be on it.. and then I realized that one day that wife would be me. One day soon.

I'm so scared, and nervous. I can't even come to terms with it and act like every moment with him could be the last, even though I should.

It's so hard to cope with, and comprehend. Millions of people do it everyday, and I know I can, too.

However, it's figuring out just how to do it that I'm worried about.

Today is the two year anniversary of the day Scott broke my heart.

It's a long story but it involves him having another girlfriend and me finding out two years ago today.

We celebrate our anniversary tomorrow, even though we actually started seeing (screwing) each other in March. We do this because I couldn't consider our relationship true or real if he was dating me while he had another girlfriend.

Like I said, it's a long story.. but he left his girlfriend of four years and vowed to stalk me for the rest of my life until I shared the rest of my life and love with him.

So.. here we are today.. with a Walter, a 1 year marriage anniversary coming up, another little brat on the way, and our two year togetherness anniversary tomorrow!

Whew, so many things.

Today also marks ten years since the Columbine High School shooting.

The flag in my heart is held at half-staff today for all of those who were involved in this tragedy.

There was some spanking going on in our bedroom late last night, and it was loud.. and I was sort of loud in reaction to it.

About five-ten minutes after it was finished we heard sirens.. they got so close the flashing lights were reflecting off of our bedroom wall!

I casually mentioned to Scott that perhaps the spanking was a bit too loud?

He brushed it off. Why would they send an ambulance along with the cop car? (he said).

So.. I brushed it off, too.

Next thing you know.. he's jumping out of bed.."now you've got me worried," as he ran all over the house looking through the windows.

Nothing.

THANK GOD.

What do you DO if they come to your door in the middle of the night..... *Knock* *Knock* *Knock* "Uhh.. someone called in a complaint claiming that there is a domestic disturbance in this home..... where is your wife?"

"She's laying in bed, naked, with a sore bottom."

What?!

Asian beavers?

Really?

I'm looking at the search history in the google toolbar drop down menu.. and it says 'asian beavers', 'asianxxx', 'latinxxx', 'teenxxx', and 'border bangers'.

WHAT?!

Either he's a pro at finding this stuff, or he's trying waaayyy too hard?

(I'm gonna go with the first one.)

Hahahahahahahaha.

Well then..

The video is bad quality, but you get the gist..

I'm feeling better today. I kind of woke up on the wrong side of the bed when Scott nudged the crap out of me to ask me to get up with Walter. I guess it kind of rubbed me the wrong way because, well, I can't remember a time when he actually got up with Walter.. without me asking him.

I can't really remember a time that he did hardly ANYTHING for me (in that helpful sense) without me asking. Hell, it usually takes a lot more than asking. I end up having to nag him and then FINALLY (sometimes) he'll do it.

I don't know. I guess I'm just sort of burned out. He's off of work like every other day. He was off on Thursday and Friday and I just don't feel as inclined to do things for him since he's not really working.

I guess I wouldn't mind doing things for him if he would just show me that he knows he has two legs that work. I wouldn't mind it if he would just get off of his ass ONCE in a while to get his own damn drink, or to make his own damn sandwich. It's like the moment I sit down after doing something for him, he needs something else.

What do I get?

Nothing. It's my job, and it's all my duty.. but, damn it to hell if it wouldn't just be AMAZING to wake up LATE one day and realize that he got Walter before I even realized Walter was awake!

Just once!

Nag, nag, nag... bitch, bitch, bitch.

I know that this is not what I wanted the nature of my blog to be, but lately this is all I have on my mind.. and it feels way good to just.. get it off of my chest.

I'm just losing the want to be this great wife, because I guess I just feel like my personal needs aren't being met.

It's just a cycle.. and I think a lot of people go through it (I hope I'm not alone in this).. and hopefully It'll pass soon.

Thanks for reading.

I'm okay, really. I'm just.. blah. This baby is really sucking the life out of me and it takes a lot just to get out of bed in the morning. There are two ways to look at everything, and lately I've been a real negative Nancy. I'm just sad and bored and lonely and can't find the motivation to do anything. I want my house to be clean, and it is slowly SLOWLY getting there.. but I feel like there should be more, like I should do more. Scott is on and off work, so a lot of days he's home (because he messed up his shoulder), and I've been practically begging him for two weeks to just help me get back into the groove. I need him to do this with me because I need to see it done, and I need to participate. I just need to get back into my old routine and I need to get on a schedule.

I can't do this, though, if he is just going to plant his ass in front of the T.V. I am just as distracted as he is, and he is just as lazy as I am.

We are the worst couple ever. We don't compliment each other at all, especially in this area.

I'm just screwed, and so are my children.

I'm feeling really crabby today and just totally burnt out on life, and motherhood. I have all of these ridiculous fears that my child is going to come out all messed up because I'm a big blob of disgusting and super overweight. I didn't even REALIZE how huge I was until they weighed me.

And now I basically hate myself. I can't starve myself because I have to consider the baby. I can't diet like I used to because, well, again with the baby.

I can't do ANYTHING. NOTHING.

And I just hate it.

I absolutely hate everything about this situation.

And there's nothing I can do to change it.

I had a WIC appointment today. We meet the criteria and then some, and Walter drinks A LOT of milk.. so we thought, 'what the hell?'

Holy crap was it stressful! It started off fine. I made Scott his lunch and planned to take it to him on my way off of post to our (mine and Walter's) appointment. I put my face on. I map quested directions. Begin the stress. I don't recognize any of the names of any of these streets so I'm freaking out. Nothing makes sense. I call Scott.

He starts stressing. I'm getting mad because he's SO stressed about everything. Which just doubles the stress levels.

Now it's noon and I'm going nuts. I wanted to be out of the house by noon! So I rush to get Walter up and dressed and such.

Then we FINALLY get going. It takes me A MILLION years to get to Scott. Then I end up making a wrong turn and ending up in a one way parking lot on a one way street going the opposite direction of where I need to be heading.

Scott meets me there and we switch, he drives.

On the drive we get lost a little. So I'm freaking out. It's 12:51 and my appointment is at 1. This supposed 7 minute drive takes us 20 minutes or more.

We FINALLY get there.. at 12:56. JUST IN TIME.

UGH.

I am SO glad it's over.

I don't really have much to say here. The pregnancy is going slow and I hardly think about it because.. well.. nothing is really happening! I'm not uber sick, or uber tired anymore.. I'm just kind of relaxing. I remember to eat well, and smoke less (hopefully not at all), and all that junk. I've been feeling rather lazy lately. The dishes get done, and baths are given.. important things. However clutter is piling up and a mess is accumulating more and more each day. Laundry needs to be done, and the living room needs to be burned to the ground..

I can't find the motivation. I wish I could blame that on being pregnant, but I really don't think a doctor would back me up.

=/

Sooooooo nauseous.

And Walter STINKS.

Hopefully I can get him potty trained so I can do cloth diapers with this baby like I did with Walter for the first few months.

It was a great thing, but demanding.. and with two stinky butts to wipe..

I don't know! Haha.

<3

The 'class' wasn't really a class at all! It was a one on one with a woman who basically just explained to me all of the wonderful benefits I can take advantage of during my pregnancy!

I LOVE this place. The hospital is amazing, and labor and delivery is even better! And post partum.... don't even get me started!

I never imagined being able to deliver my child in such a beautiful place.

I'm so excited.

In order for me to see an OB/GYN, I first have to take a 'new pregnancy class'.

That's today. I'm a little bit irritated at the whole 'have to' thing, but I'm excited.. because I love learning new things (I don't know what there is that they could tell me that I don't already know), and I especially LOVE pregnancy and birth classes. I love them.

You get tons of free things, maybe I'll actually make a friend.

Who knows.

But I'm pretty excited. I'm starting to get the hang of this whole army wife and living on post thing. At first I was really pissed off by all the 'have to's, but now I guess I'm starting to find an appreciation for them.

It's all for our own good.

It takes me hours (literally) to fall asleep.

I can't eat, as I have absolutely no appetite and everytime I put something to my mouth I feel like I'm going to die.

Whhhhhaaaaaaaaaaat do I dooooooo?!!!!

I haven't been vomiting or anything. Yesterday I was super nauseous.

I took another pregnancy test at Wal-Mart yesterday, just for double confirmation.. and it's DEFINITELY positive. No if's, and's or but's about it!

I'm excited.. but.. nervous.

I can't wait for Anthony to get here.

She's SIX!

Here's proof

That Simon Cowell really does have a heart:




(I really do love American Idol. We (Scott and I. And no, I don't force him!) watch it religiously!)

Oh, and the little girl is adorable, too!

I feel like I'm dying. Literally. It feels like someone put a really really large brick on my body.

NOW I remember why I couldn't wait for Walter to be born.

Hahahaha.

I've been found out.

I am not at all original! At all!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Krrht6wMJp8

Seriously.

Two men have been living together for a while. They have a great relationship. All of a sudden, one day, one man left the other.. for the other's best friend (and neighbor!).

The other tries to get over it. He goes through different companions, and then goes through that 'I don't need anybody' phase. After a while, the best friend and man come over to go through a weekly ritual.. acting as though nothing ever happened.

The other freaks out and starts begging the man to come back to him. He tells him everything will change, and be different. He makes all kinds of promises, but the man looks at him as if he's not making any sense.

As the day moves forward, the man decides he wants the other back, too. He confesses to the other that the only thing he wanted from the neighbor... was the cookie in his pocket.

Grow up! Yes!

I have my ups.

I have my downs.

But..

Adults who have no appreciation or respect for the value of the human life royally disgust the living hell out of me.

Our Trip Part 2.

Antle.

Vegas. Hah.

The horse at Bonnie Springs. If you're ever in Southern Nevada, check it out.

That's my dad.

As you can see.. the sun is about to be down. He's pouting because we're like thirty miles from the grand canyon, and he's realizing we're not going to make it. Haha. So sad.

The end.